three owls

2012-01-23T12:24:00.000-08:00

feral |ˈfi(ə)rəl; ˈferəl|adjective(esp. of an animal) in a wild state, esp. after escape from captivity ordomestication : a feral cat.• resembling a wild animal : a feral snarl.ORIGIN early 17th cent.: from Latin fera ‘wild animal’ (from ferus‘wild’ ) + -al .

Hot shovelling... it's like regular shovelling except fit chicks do it ;)

2012-01-21T16:16:00.000-08:00

I love a challenging day... and today was a good one. I have had kids take turns being sick for the last 3 weeks... while I've been juggling an increased work schedule... all kinds of fun. Well, today I finally hit the wall myself... actually I've been battling it and denying it's existence for the last 3 weeks... mothers don't have time for sickness... and what's the point unless your own mother is going to come and nurse you.

Meanwhile, it snowed about a foot overnight... so I finally hauled myself out of bed after lunch and decided I had better get it sorted before the weather warmed up and it wasn't fluffy and light anymore. It stupefies a few people as to why a non car owner would shovel their driveway... well... I'm an anomaly, everyone else in my world drives, including my bridal clients (and yes it's started already).

In the back of my mind I have been trying to work out some ish around moving to an acreage and starting a fibre farm and having way more space to work from... but if you've read this blog for a while then you are well aware that I have some trauma from my previous time spent in the forest... and yes I know that was extreme and not evenly remotely similar to what I'm wanting to do this spring... but still... when you are feeling sick and achy and dizzy you start to wonder if you should take on more than the current situation and whether you should really move out to the forest with two daughters... despite the crap I dealt with in the past there were some things that were not my job... anything to do with operating a chain saw, changing oil, or purchasing vehicles was not my domain... I stocked the pantry and foraged and took care of babies, laundry, and the chopping of fire wood and melting of snow... and it was hard.

But... I went outside and took almost two hours to shovel my driveway of doom today... and sweated out my fever... then I drew a hot bath... killed some brain cells on pinterest... and realized... hell ya... I can do anything!

Hard lesson... worth every moment!

Looks like I'm moving back to the forest after all.

xoL

2012-01-08T22:06:00.001-08:00

“The trouble with you is that the only way you can communicate is through art. You’ve never learned to communicate your feelings to a man. You don’t even want to communicate in a relationship. You think that if you open up to love, you’ll lose your independence or your self-expression or creativity or whatever you call all that passionate, wonderful stuff that makes you feel alive inside.”
― Tom Robbins, Skinny Legs and All

2011-12-26T21:17:00.001-08:00

“One cannot avoid life by hiding in the mountains, because life
exists there as well. But one can avoid the disturbance of the external
world by remaining centered and calm like a mountain.”

-- I Ching by Hua-Ching Ni

Forest, Water, Southern Exposure...

2011-12-23T09:04:00.000-08:00

Solstice.

I love solstice... and it's pretty special on planet Kootenay. Beautiful people in a beautiful building that has been lovingly restored and maintained by one of my favourite communities. The music was inspirational and AMAZING... and really... the people are beautiful (definitely worth noting twice ;)

I learned a few things while dancing in the light... there is no shortage of yummy men in the neighbourhood...

... so perhaps I can convince everyone to drop the bachelor shopping for me and instead focus on house hunting... because housing is where there's a shortage in this neck of the woods... and to have the same energy and enthusiasm put to finding a sweet little homestead for my self and the wee owls would be truly revolutionary.

The buds are germinating on the trees... and my brain is germinating on plans and ideas for the next cycle of the sun...

Many blessings,

xoL

acceptance vs. resignation

2011-12-07T10:16:00.001-08:00

The only difference I can find is gratitude... but it makes all the difference.

2011-11-30T12:56:00.001-08:00

LOVE

Kiss my ____!

2011-11-28T15:12:00.000-08:00

I have been practicing peaceful ways and releasing anger and hostility... embracing gratitude, looking for silver linings and letting myself be ruled by compassion and patience...

well... fuck it.

today anyway...

and you know what... it feels good to get right pissed off. Forget patience... never mind compassion... screw gratitude... I have expectations that are not getting met, and I'm sick and tired of airy fairy flakey bullshit.

yep. feels good.

I was in a right bitchy mood when I started my yoga practice this am, but I went ahead anyway. I laughed when the 'quiet time' and 'vacation' cards leapt out of the deck and on to the mat in front of me... no kidding... I'm an only parent. I'm on 24 freaking 7... needing a vacation is an understatement!

I lay in goddess seething with frustration... I huffed through the beginning sequence... and then in my first mountain pose of the day I felt my pulse in the tips of my fingertips and I broke in to a huge grin... damn it felt good to be alive. In that moment I realized that I had been holding back my anger for years. Taking the path of least resistance... accommodating... putting myself aside.

The hex spent years trying to break my spirit... any time I complained or voiced discontent he would turn the screws tighter... I learned to be like water... flowing around obstacles, filling in the empty spaces... but really I wasn't water... I was lava... hot, seething, angry.

Finally I understand the water energy... it's not about smoothing out the waves... it's about bubbling when you cross the stones... it's about spreading wide and flowing smooth when there is the time and space... it's about being in the moment and letting it pass through you...

Gratitude. For reaching a place where I feel safe. Safe enough to be angry. Safe enough to be disappointed. Safe enough to be me.

xoL

Tonight I sleep.

2011-11-24T19:18:00.000-08:00

I dream of mountains and forests... I dream of crackling fires and sun warmed strawberries... I dream of birds, owls that swoop through the trees and waxwings that feast on the berries... I dream of the first green shoots of fireweed and the elusive morel... I dream of snow and ice and meadows filled with flowers...

I wake with the sun and dance by candlelight... I feel the muscles flex and the wood split... I hear the crunch of snow and the dripping of rain... I smell the trees and taste the flowers... my heart is filled with love and longing.

39 moons

2011-11-24T00:50:00.000-08:00

Insomnia.

I've been eagerly anticipating the three year anniversary of our freedom... and tonight would mark the beginning of the three days that I did not sleep before finally getting off the mountain. It's amazing how the body stores things. I had insomnia last year as well... I look forward to the year where I forget the anniversary altogether. Oddly I can't recall the date of meeting the hex, despite the fact that we celebrated it... I guess the end is more important than the beginning.

2008

So many things have happened in the last few months but are too profound to put in to words. I am so filled with gratitude for all of the people and events that have crossed my path.

I reread my post from last year, and I really can't add anything to it... there is one major change in this last year... and the last few months in particular... my lovely friends have expressed that it is time for me to find a new man. It's quite ridiculous how much this has been expressed... friends I haven't seen in a decade... people I've met in the last year... even a few profound moments involving coyotes... my own daughters... RIDICULOUS. I know that it is coming from a place of love... but the pressure is enough to make my head and heart ache.

It is very challenging to find gratitude... hmm... well... I guess I'm grateful that I don't seem half as fucked up as I feel. I'm grateful that these lovely people think I'm worthy of the nicest bachelors they can think of. I'm grateful that I have a loving and accepting group of people surrounding me and my daughters.

2005

With all my heart I send out a wish to the good faeries,

May all beings know peace and love in their lifetimes.

xoL

Idle hands...

2011-10-11T20:57:00.000-07:00

From the outside I think it seems very idyllic... drink tea, felt, visit with my lovely neighbours and friends...

as anyone who works in the arts knows... it's not all that idyllic sometimes. Muses are fickle. They come and go as they please...

so if you are remarking on how clean my kitchen is and how I'm so together with my cookie baking and soup making... then you are not hearing the sinister music playing in the background. I'm not on it... in fact I'm trying to keep busy so I don't go crazy waiting for inspiration to return... if my kitchen is clean than the muse has wandered off...

care for a cuppa while I put in a load of laundry?

The Swan Wig

2011-10-07T10:24:00.000-07:00

I loved making this wig... working with the silk was so amazing and the silk/alpaca swirls feel so divine!

available in my Etsy shop

2011-10-06T11:45:00.001-07:00

When I hear...

"whatever you want"

I am prepared to accept the offer.

2011-09-19T21:35:00.000-07:00

Fear is faith in the wrong thing.

Giving myself a gift.

2011-09-10T21:22:00.000-07:00

I gave myself an incredible gift this year for my birthday.

Trust.

Let me explain... I have some trust issues... which is reasonable considering my past experiences, however, they are not helping me out in the present. I have spent the last few years longing to regain my trust... in others and myself. I have tried reasoning with myself. I have tried putting myself in new situations. I have worked really hard to be aware of where my issues are only in my head and let new experiences help me tear down my barriers.

Now I have a well spring of trust. It taps into a deep ocean filled with trust. Whenever I feel my ego start to belittle or second guess I drop the bucket and pull up a fresh batch. Ultimately, this is about trusting myself. Trusting my intuition. Trusting my abilities. Trusting that I will do the right thing. Trusting my feelings. Trusting that good things are coming my way, and that it's ok to have faith in that.

It's an amazing gift... and it takes a lot of practice... but I trust that it will get easier.

xoL

The Peacock Wig

2011-09-08T12:01:00.000-07:00

I love making wigs...

2011-09-07T14:54:00.000-07:00

It is sad to grow old, but nice to ripen.

~Brigitte Bardot

I have had some pretty lovely birthdays over the years... and a few that don't stand out at all. Yesterday was my favourite so far... some wishes were fulfilled and I see that some of my bigger, deeper ones are on the way. I spent the day surrounded by a changing group of people that I love... and those that I didn't get to see still made their love felt. I am still glowing from all the sweetness.

39 rocks... it's only day 2 and it's already amazing!

xoxoL

I try to be a good virgo... but I have scorpio rising...

2011-09-04T12:47:00.000-07:00

September is my month. That's right, mine! I love the sparkle in the lake... the breeze in the trees... the bees on the flowers... and my birthday is in two days. Last year of my thirties... although technically I will be starting my fortieth year. I like the sound of that. My twenties were very self centred, my thirties were very humbling... and so I think it's quite possible that my forties will be the start of balance. The pendulum is slowing, and I am so grateful to be able to shed so many of my extremes.

I have been having a love affair with yoga for over a year now and it has been an amazing gift. At the moment my practice is filled with awareness of my flexibility and my strength. The flexibility comes easily. The strength requires a lot of practice. I have always considered myself a really strong person, and I know that a lot of others view me the same way... I have made it thus far... but with deeper reflection I realize that it has been flexibility that has kept me grounded. I am highly adaptable. My world view supports this. Take the path of least resistance. View people and situations with compassion and withhold judgement. Treat everyone with kindness and respect.

Not to say that these are not valuable and important views. They are. I teach them to my children constantly... however, standing your ground and doing what is right for yourself is equally important. I could fill entire journals with examples of when I've adjusted and flexed to thrive or merely survive. What I need to practice is being comfortable and accepting of my own strength. Trust my judgement... and treat myself with kindness and respect. Move the strength from the outside to the inside... maintain a strong centre so that the periphery can be soft. This is a complete shift for me... I have always maintained strength on the outside in order to protect the softness inside. It's time to share the softness and know that I have a wellspring of strength to keep myself and my daughters safe.

My horoscope says that this will be the year that I connect with my soul mate... yes. I think there may be a few... me, myself, and I.

Seeds are maturing and the buds that will lay dormant through the winter are beginning to form. Some things are finishing up while others are just beginning.

Happy September!

xoL

2011-08-30T20:54:00.000-07:00

If you want to become whole,
let yourself be partial.
If you want to become straight,
let yourself be crooked.
If you want to become full,
let yourself be empty.
If you want to be reborn,
let yourself die.
If you want to be given everything,
give everything up.

- Tao Te Ching

walk this way...

2011-08-29T21:30:00.000-07:00

Once a week I take a few hours and go for a big long walk... I think about work, personal situations, and more often than not, nothing. This time is sacred to me. I am an only parent, so aside from these few hours every week I'm on duty 24/7. I tend to follow the same route each time. I say hello to the various people and creatures that I encounter, and one horse in particular seems to look forward to my attention. I like watching the seasons change and noticing the small changes that take place. It's reassuring to know this route and place so well, it allows my mind to wander and have a rest from the usual chatter filling it.

Things changed about a month ago... a homeowner along this route followed me. This went on for about a kilometre, I didn't realize for some time because he was at a distance and I didn't hear or sense him. He began to shout hello and so I turned around... I have had a couple of encounters with this person in the past and each one has been progressively creepier... I contemplated continuing on my way instead of waiting for him to catch up but decided that it would be better to tackle the situation head on. So after a fair amount of rambling he made the point that he had seen me walking by his house and felt the need to come and tell me that my skirt was "hot" and a few other not so charming things. I very firmly sent him home.

The following week some signs appeared on the path. "Private Road. No Public Access!!" These were made on a computer, complete with double exclamation marks, put into a fresh plastic cover and attached to some fancy wooden stakes... which made lovely fire starter when I got them home.

The next week I decided to leave the signs which had been equally well made to replace the previous ones... and this last week they were attached to 2 posts in order to block the path... and on my return the wife (that's right, the wife.) was standing in her yard with her hands on her hips and giving out one stinky vibe...

To clarify, I do not cross private property on my walk, and the road is public. So far it has remained in the passive/aggressive realm and I'm aware of my rights, however, this no longer feels like the path of least resistance...

The trail is rocky the other direction and I won't be able to continue my visits with the horse and cows... but perhaps the signs aren't really about private property... maybe they're about choosing a different path.

a little sprinkler porn for the heat of summer...

2011-08-14T21:16:00.000-07:00

Oh I do love me a sprinkler... what bliss!

And my current favourite song...

Happy Birthing Day

2011-08-02T23:48:00.000-07:00

My youngest daughter is turning 5 this month. She has grown so much in this last year. I have spent a lot of time lately thinking about her birth and the five years since...

I realized I was pregnant shortly after the hex 'ended' our relationship. Which was really just his announcement that he had no intention of ever treating me with kindness and respect again and that he was prepared to go completely off of the deep end. So in the midst of trying to negotiate my leaving with my then 3 year old daughter (which he was not allowing in any way shape or form) I realized that I had not had my moon time and so I bought a home test on the next supply run to town, went and used the loo at the library, but managed to mess it up and so had to buy another test and then take it back up the mountain with me... in the dark and cold; it was November and the fire had been out all day while we were in town... I got the confirmation.

"Is it mine?" ...and that was the beginning of eight months of complete soul crushing on his part until finally in the last month I told him he could go get a paternity test and then go fuck himself because I was done with it. I had sobbed uncontrollably for eight months. I had been working in town and hiking the mountain until I was in the 8th month. There were days where I would just lay down in the road and sob because it was so hard to walk up the mountain... it was a mile UP. So needless to say I was very physically fit when it came time for delivery.
My oldest daughter was an emergency caesarean but my body had 4 years to recoup and lots of fresh air and exercise. I made peace with my situation and birthed my youngest on a moonless night in a tipi that I was living in for the summer. I had three days of labour prior to the seven hours of hard labour and about two hours of pushing.

On the first day of her life she not only smiled but she spoke. "ba" and that remains her nickname. I had concerns that I was going to have a sad baby after all the crying and wailing I had done during the pregnancy but she has been a gift to her sister and I. She was a cheerful and easygoing baby and toddler. She took to being diaper free easily and I nursed her through two winters to make sure she had enough nutrients in her diet.
I did not have any pre or post natal care and I birthed her unassisted. I had a slow recovery as I was not helped with any of the chores and I bled extremely heavily for seven weeks... it was when I was unable to go down to the hospital that I realized that I was going to have to choose for myself whether I was going to bleed to death on a mountain or get better and so I willed myself better. In the last year of yoga I have strengthened my right hip that was out of place and sometimes painful so that it no longer bothers me.

Physically I am strong and healthy. Emotionally I am strong and healthy too, but it has been interesting how much has come up for me in the last few weeks as we approach this birthday. The last five years have been very transformative and it feels like such an accomplishment to have made it to where we are now in our lives... that mama on the mountain feels like a person that I used to know but lost touch with... I wish her well and have much gratitude for the opportunity to get to know her and thank her so much for staying strong and getting out and moving forward. Mostly though I have endless gratitude for my daughters. The oldest who hugged me and was so happy to find out that we were having a baby and the youngest for bringing joy and dimples into our lives when we needed it so desperately.

"We have a secret in our culture, and it's not that birth is painful; it's that women are strong."
~Laura Stavoe Harm

I was inspired and saved by this amazing book... Birthing From Within

Plenty of fish in the sea... that's not really true anymore... declining stocks and all that...

2011-07-18T23:00:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes the fish doesn't want the hook."

Relationship advice from my 9 yr. old. How did this kid get so insightful...

Another chat today about my single status... trying not to be all weepy... but these owls are so amazing. The oldest thinks that I am this amazing woman that she loves and she thinks that I deserve to have someone really nice treating me with kindness and love. This makes me feel so relieved on so many levels... I feel that perhaps I am actually handling our whole family situation gracefully and not setting them up for a lifetime of dysfunction. I hope with all my heart that they grow and find lasting love for themselves and their children. I feel relief that they are able to differentiate between kind men and abusive men and see the benefits of being in a loving relationship.

I am trying to find the words to explain to the girls that there is a possibility that I will be single for a very long time and that I am content with that... it's a hard line to balance on... the being open to the possibility while still maintaining detachment. I am not searching for it. I wouldn't even know where to begin... besides that, I am busy... I have two kids and a busy sewing schedule... it's going to take someone who is willing to make the effort to be part of our lives. Hmm... single kind man who wants to add three owls to his life... two of them are super sweet but the mama has some issues... not exactly a queue forming. So... how do I explain that we are all deserving of love and that I know they will grow up and meet kind men who will love them and treat them with kindness and respect but that they need to not worry about it happening for me... I'm not going to repeat the comments and candidates (despite the hilarity of most of it... I still have to live here ;)... but trying to explain to a 4 yr. old why her obvious logic... yes he's nice. yes he's single.... doesn't automatically make it happen... on rereading this I wonder if maybe she's a bit spoilt as she just doesn't understand why people don't just get their way... as a side note, she does have good taste so that fills me with relief.

sometimes the fish doesn't want the hook...

maybe they understand it perfectly already :)

Stars in my eyes and belly...

2011-07-18T12:56:00.000-07:00

Fantastic weekend!!

The owls ventured to distant shores to what was called the 'most romantic festival in the kootenays' by one of the amazing and talented mc's... and it's true. Beautiful people with their beautiful children gathered in a safe and healthy and fun environment. The wee owls were entertained and thoroughly captivated by many entertainers... while I was able to sit and swoon over Ron Sexsmith...

The afternoon was highlighted by one of the most beautiful triple rainbows... I was sad that I had to retire with the wee owls before seeing the pink tuxedos and dancing with The Lost Fingers... but I went for and with the girls and they were happy campers! Thank you muchly Starbelly Jam! See you next year...

who needs online dating when you have a preschooler...

2011-07-15T19:24:00.000-07:00

I'm so completely gob smacked at the moment... luckily I can still type...

My daughters (ages 4 & 9) have sat me down and expressed that they are wanting me to start dating... the wee one has a few candidates already picked out... I kid you not. OI VAY. Meanwhile I've been flirting with a vow of celibacy, and making eyes as spinsterhood... I guess they decided it was time for an intervention.

I took the opportunity to express that I'm interested in nice men... but it can be challenging to meet any that are single... and then they have to be interested back... pretty much brings the potential numbers down into the single digits... like I said the wee one already had a few thoughts on the subject.

I have no idea what to do with this... so I sat and thought about it all afternoon... and it has helped me realize that I've been hiding behind my daughters for the last few years, they are super handy for avoiding eye contact and conversations... this is no longer going to work, they are so on to me! I'm going to have to give up my social ineptitude and revert back to my cheek kissing, everybody's bf persona (that was actually a joke at one point that I couldn't meet people without them thinking I was their new bf...) I'm also going to have to let go of all sorts of fears and phobias... just as well... I was getting sort of bored with most of them... and finally I am going to have to give up my hopeless crush and actually connect with men who want to spend time with me... and when someone does ask for my time... I guess I'll have to say yes.

Good...

times, luck, men are worth waiting for.

2011-07-13T19:47:00.000-07:00

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
Who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.

~Rumi

Summer Holiday

2011-07-08T19:18:00.000-07:00

I'm going to start with the disclaimer... I love being a mom. I love my daughters.

Ok... I need a holiday. It's not about the travel... I just really want to NOT be responsible for anybody else for a few days. I've had a few nights of fun and frivolity here and there... well, four in the last year. Hmm... that's not very much. What I really need is two in a row... not one night and right back at it in the morning.

This is that week where the things that have been lying under the radar pop up and refuse to be ignored... and the reality this month is that I need a break. I need some time for my self. ~~I need to be selfish.~~ I need to be waited on...Full on for three days or rather not full on at all. I was booking an appointment the other day and the comment from the client was "that's probably your day with your kids so we can book it a different day..." Um... I have my kids every day. I have sole custody. In fact the access time is actually hugely inconvenient and stressful for me. One hour every second saturday. It doesn't seem like much on a piece of paper... but the day starts with them complaining about how they don't want to go and then taking their anger over the situation out on me... you should try combing hair and getting shoes on two strong willed and very unwilling participants. Then when it is finally over they are so burnt out from the stress and discomfort of the day that the nights are often disrupted for a few sleeps (or lack thereof). And just to keep it from getting to settled and peaceful there are two phone calls a week. So I have to remember to have the phone with me if we are out and about on those evenings. I have an alarm on my phone that tells me to turn on the other phone otherwise we would completely forget... there have been a few times where the girls have heard the alarm and not told me because they don't like the calls either... so then I have to text and make new arrangements. Blech. I also have the added fun of being the supervisor for these calls. There is a separate third party for the access visits but it would be a fiasco to have someone else do the calls. So I have to sit and listen twice a week... fortunately the girls rarely have a call over two minutes. Again I get the joy of being the one who has to make them do something they don't want to do while I spend the rest of the time helping them be empowered and able to say no to things and people that they don't want to be around... it's a conundrum at the best of times. "You are your own person worthy of love and respect and free to make choices that make you happy... except for that guy who held you hostage and isn't getting any counselling or treatment, him you have to deal with anyway..."

I am grateful it's only for the limited time that it is. I am grateful that my daughters are grounded and understanding of the situation. I am grateful that we are safe and happy and loved.

But... I still fantasize about being brought tea in bed by some really nice man who just finished putting up shelves in my workroom and fixing that water stain on the ceiling... and a few other things that are best not mentioned in a PG rated blog... sigh. And in the background is.... silence. oh no wait... he's running me a tub... The best holidays are always at home... and in daydreams ;)

Feeling the love...

2011-07-05T20:58:00.000-07:00

Don't you just love those days when you are feeling like things are making progress and that you can look ahead and see some light at the end of the tunnel... I love those days. I have had a few this week.

Today I took the littlest owl to the dentist. For those of you who haven't met her let me just say that she is very timid. She can take months before she'll talk to a new person... and that's only if you've gotten to the level where she'll actually let you look at her... some people think it's only a rumour that I have two daughters as they have never actually seen one of them. So needless to say it took some doing to actually get her out of the parking lot and into the building... but in the end she not only sat in the chair but she let a person she had never seen before look in her mouth. She was feeling pretty darn proud of herself when it was all done... and I'm the only one who actually had to choke back tears and put on a brave face... she was stellar. A friend came over today after we got back and she almost fell over because the wee owl was chatting away to her... I feel like we may have turned a corner... it is such a relief. She will be starting kindergarten in the fall and I have had visions of myself spending a lot of time sitting in a really small chair while she settles in... but perhaps I will only have to do it for a little while. I am looking forward to days of uninterrupted work and solitary bike rides...

speaking of which I've upped my weekly ride to 20km. It is freaking fantastic... I was loving 10 but 20 makes me feel like maybe I should go a get a proper pair of cycling shorts (spandex is a privilege not a right) as it would probably be a lot more comfortable than my beat up yoga pants that I've been rolling up to the knees... it's possible that I have been lacking commitment up till this point... besides that a cute motorbiker was chatting with me on the ferry ride so I'm feeling like it might be time to not be quite so hobo about the whole thing... yes I am aware that I'm vain, my grandmother told me a long time ago that modesty was not one of my virtues.... plus another friend reaffirmed it the other day... it only just occurs to me how similar these two women are... painters always see things that other people overlook...

in a slightly unfortunate scenario... a friend had a bad scene with her now ex so I am happy for her in her resolution and it also had a strange way of showing me that maybe I am more solid than I realize and that I can let go of my relationship fears and trust my instincts and move forward. Besides I've already been there with the shaved head monk in the forest thing... my hair has grown out and so have I. It's time to let go of the fretting over whether I am setting a good example for my daughters, I am. It's time to let go of my fears of break-ups and rejection, I have already survived the worst relationship I will ever have. I know that the people I like are kind, respectful, honest, unique and amazing... I should just trust that and stop analyzing myself to bits. All this second guessing has only made me crush my own heart... I love being single, and I will love it when I'm not.

I am sorta kinda looking for a bigger space to live and work in... I am taking the hippie approach of trusting that the right place will appear at the right time... it is the koots after all :) And after getting completely ripped off at the local sewing supply store I put a little gripe up on fb to say that I should open my own shop which had a lovely positive response... and well... maybe I should. So I might need an even bigger space than I was originally thinking... hmm... I think this is sort of how the whole frock thing got started... a little idea popped into my head... and I think I've already talked about my hopeful romantic tendencies... small town dressmaking supplies... I like it. (or maybe small town frocking affordable supplies...)

Day...

dream, trip, one___ at a time.

meanwhile back on the patio....

2011-07-03T09:23:00.000-07:00

reasons why I can never be a brahmachari....

1) gin.
2) ice cream.
3) shoes.
4) men.

.... not necessarily in that order....

Needless to say... I am still working on my path to enlightenment.... ok not really working more like laying in a deck chair reading pulp fiction.

Happy Sunday!

xoL

Apologies, but what photos can you add to a post on celibacy...

2011-06-30T22:02:00.000-07:00

I have been continuing my reading on the subject of brahmacharya and have found it difficult to get a woman's perspective on the subject. I did find this informative article that explained the basics and helped to clarify the meaning and the reasoning behind choosing celibacy.

Admittedly, I would probably ditch it at the first opportunity but since I feel like that opportunity is not in the near future I am continuing to explore the subject. Ultimately I'm not really wanting to be celibate but I am very much wanting to have a positive experience while I am. I had been using self deprecation as a way to try and curb my desires and it didn't work... shocking I know ;) I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my heart since I realized that I was needing a space to heal and that I don't need to blame myself or others in order to take that space without remorse. It has also helped a lot to be more proactive in my celibacy... instead of having a pity party (complete with weed and ice cream... it sounds like more fun than it actually is...) I can practice stopping myself from harmful inner dialogue and catch myself from thinking of excuses to go and see if that man I'm crushing on is still not interested (what... two years and still no change... what a shock!) or avoiding eye contact with men in case they might actually be interested and then I would feel completely insecure waiting for them to realize how uninterested they should be...

I'm not ready. I wish I could've just walked off the mountain and jumped right on in to the life that society thinks I should be leading... I've had supposedly well meaning people tell me I should get married and buy a franchise... obviously not readers of this blog... I think I might have actually snorted tea out my nose at that comment... I've had a drunk guy adamantly claim that we should be a couple because we had a picture taken together (emphasis on drunk)... this was where I started avoiding eye contact btw... I've been called guarded and traumatized like I should just get over it already... well... I am. Like a frog I was put in a pot and the water was slowly heated until I didn't realize I was being cooked until it was too late... but I did hop out... and now I am reluctant to go in the kitchen never mind near the stove... but I do love to cook.... wait I think I'm breaking the rules of brahmacharya with this metaphor... sigh. I'm such a novice I don't even realize how much of one I am... but I'm still going to practice. I think I'm worth it.

Time...

heals all wounds, passes, for tea.

How did I end up on a nun's path.... no not the kind wearing rubber and holding a whip...

2011-06-29T21:48:00.000-07:00

So glad that school is out for the summer... looking forward to spending time with the owls... later on in the morning and with a peaceful cup of tea ;)

I feel like I have had so many moments where I've thought about writing here but I've been swept along with the events of the day... business is busy... I've been out and about and socializing quite frequently (well a hermits version of frequent...) and I've been really immersed in my yoga practice.

I have had several breakthroughs in the last few weeks. I have gained a fresh perspective on celibacy. I was feeling really lonely and rejected and frustrated and was contemplating a vow of celibacy. I was so exasperated with thinking about it... struggling every month with the hormones that come with ovulating... feeling jealousy... feeling like I was dysfunctional and looking at a long road of spinsterhood... so in complete frustration and with extreme hostility I decided that it would be so much easier to just make a vow. Make it official. Then I started doing research... I started with the yogic practices attached to celibacy and the first source advised not talking about it... well that goes against my blogging nature ;) so I did some more research and discovered all sorts of amazing and empowering information.

I spent the last five years feeling like celibacy was torture. Granted it was originally imposed on me from the hex and was fully intended to be torturous and esteem destroying. It worked so well that I continued the practice on my own long after I had escaped from that hell... it's only been in the last few months that I have realized that I don't actually want to deprecate myself and feel rejected... I have spent the last two and half years seeking out opportunities to make all of the hateful things that were said and done to me true. I have sought out scenarios where I have been rejected and ignored and blow off at every opportunity... and then I've gone back for more. I've been told point blank by a mutual friend that this man was not interested in me and still I have continued obsessing over the whys and wherefores and every rejection has only served to confirm my bashed self esteem... I'm old. I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'm a mess. I'm damaged. I'm traumatized. I'm this and that... and then this little tiny voice said... you need to stop.

I have maintained my yoga practice for 11 months. I am deeply in love with yoga. It turns out I'm also in love with my life and ultimately myself. I can do poses that I felt I would never be able to do. I take my personal time without guilt and I've given up all sorts of unhealthy habits. My measurements are the same. I'm a robust gal... but I'm a robust gal that can lift her robust arse off the mat and hold it there ;) A few people have commented that I've lost weight. I haven't lost any off my body but I have lifted a mountain off of my soul. Amazing how heavy some of that invisible stuff is.

I have not and I'm not going to take a vow of celibacy. I do however have every intention of using this time for healing and gaining insight. It's no longer a torture... it's a gift. I see the distance that I have travelled on this journey and I realize that you don't always have to know the good that something is doing in the moment... I have needed this time for separating my self esteem from my sexuality... it was very ingrained and has taken many years of searching within and struggling to even be able to see the damage that I was doing to myself. I am forever grateful for this fresh perspective and I will continue to practice brahmacharya until my heart is ready to learn something new... because like everything in life... it takes practice.

Hold...

hands, your chin up, on.

I agree we do run the world...

2011-06-13T09:59:00.000-07:00

good freaking grief... I avoid pop culture as a general rule but I don't live in a cave so I have heard the rumblings of discontent over the beyonce song claiming that girls run the world... and now I have the images burned in my brain... so here's my purge...

My first thought is... I agree. We do run the world. Mothers are the dominant influence on children during those all to important formative years. Women of the world are responsible for 80% of purchases of goods. Women have the capacity to set aside their competitive nature in order to work for the greater good... I am because We are. I also love that fact that she is boldly and without apology making the claim that we have a LOT of power....

however... my power does not come from my ability to shake my breasts and dance about in Stillettos. Sexual power is a false power... and like any weapon it's often used against the person carrying it. If you are going to go up against the riot squad in some post apocalyptic scenario you are going to need way more than garter belts and fabulous jewelry... in a real life scenario... those women would be raped and beaten and left for dead...

Tie your hair back or cut it. Get some steel toed swat boots and some layers. Learn how to defend yourself and your children. RUN... until there is no where else to go... and then fight for your survival. Not much of a music video script...

Millions of women and children live in worse conditions than what is represented in the video each and every single day. They are not empowered by being perceived as sexual objects. They are bought and sold...

Every dollar you spend is a vote for what you believe in...

We do have the power to stop big pharma and factory food in its tracks. We have the power to educate and enlighten our children. We have the power to support the goodness in each other.

By We... I mean women and men.

Plant seeds. Share. Love.

Thank you Beyonce for raising this issue and starting dialogue...

A little musical interlude...

2011-06-13T08:47:00.001-07:00

Crazy like me...

2011-06-12T23:56:00.000-07:00

There was a recent situation where someone made the comment in my direction that they weren't going to tell a certain anecdote because i would think they were crazy... in the moment I was sort of overwhelmed with feelings of sadness and rejection. After mulling this over for a few days and shedding a few tears for feeling like a complete freak I have realized that I have in fact struggled with my fears that this person is potentially crazy and that I like him because he is crazy, which makes me feel pretty crazy...

It's time for me to let go of my fear that I am only attracted to men who are crazy... or the even more damaging belief that only crazy men are attracted to me. In fact the only person I know who is actually suffering from a mental illness has absolutely no attraction to me or for me. I was not held hostage because he was overcome with love for me... fear and hatred, but definitely not love. The feelings were and are mutual. Except for the fear part... I'm over it. Thanks to loving support and yoga.

So unless you have or intend to hold a woman in a shack on a mountain against her will... I think it's pretty fair to assume that I don't think you're crazy. Now whether I am no longer of sane mind because of that situation... let me assure you I was just as eccentric and socially inept long before I ever lived in the forest. I had amazing friends before I disappeared off the radar and I still have those friends now... plus the amazing new additions to my life that love me even though I have a twisted sense of humour and a foot in my mouth most of the time... this assures me that I am not a crazy magnet... beautiful, kind, creative genius magnet... most definitely.

Yes I have had some pretty horrific experiences that I would sooner forget than have brought up by some random and innocent comment made by a person that I know has no intention of hurting my feelings... but it happens and I deal with it... in a sane and mature manner... it's called blogging ;) Well, to be honest it's called chocolate ice cream... but I ran out so here I am...

I know that I am not the only person who wrestles with their ego so maybe this ramble will help... I eventually realize that it's all in my head and that the world is filled with good people fighting hard battles and that intentions and words are often misunderstood...

Wishing us all wellness and happiness and reLove.

xoL

Theoretically... we're all just right.

2011-05-24T13:29:00.000-07:00

I'm working on a new theory... otherwise known as the constant chatter that goes on in my brain... mostly it's rambling, but on occasion a cohesive thought comes through...

Have you ever noticed that the second mate often looks similar to the first, or rather that people have a 'type'... so here's my theory...

Somewhere deep in our psyche we have an awareness of who our partner is supposed to be... but up on the conscious level we get stuck on images and ideas... so as we search about for this person we are attracted by these different features but it doesn't seem to work out until finally it does.

So perhaps you've been spending time with the wrong blonde, brunette, silver haired... tall, short... painter, carpenter, farmer... or perhaps you've been through the gamut of whatever your type is and now you are satisfied and loved by the 'right one'...

It's just a theory....

thoughts?

“Pretty is something you're born with. But beautiful, that's an equal opportunity adjective.”

2011-05-16T10:12:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year again... this has been my all time most popular post and my personal favourite so I'm reposting it today since the owls are heading off to town to shop for swimsuits on this grey drippy day...

So it’s beach season in this neck of the woods, well for those brave souls who like to test their hardiness. Kootenay Lake is cold. It’s big and deep and fed from the snow melt and fresh mountain springs... it’s not for the faint of heart. Which of course brings us around to that dreaded experience... shopping for a bathing suit. I’d rather go jump in the lake...

I have some issues... ok I have lots of issues. As a teenager I went through a year of being obsessed with being really thin... it got out of hand and as I went into my twenties I became political about how women’s bodies are perceived. Most of my projects in design school were statements about the state of the world and the use and abuse of cosmetic surgery.

Early in my design career I worked in the adult entertainment sector making costumes for exotic dancers... an obvious choice I’m sure ;-) I spent a few years completely immersed in a culture of women as objects. I eventually had to quit as my small B’s were getting the impression that less than a C was undesirable...

The bulk of my working career has been in bridal which believe it or not has lots of things in common with the adult entertainment industry. It’s all costuming. It’s all about how women look on a specific day, the pay is really good, and the customers are neurotic and insecure for the most part. Everyone wants bigger boobs and a tighter ass....

so now I make toys, and I love it... plump is where it’s at if you’re a bear or an elephant.

I spend most of my time with women who have had kids and are either in their 30’s or 40’s... These women are amazing. Smart, Talented, Driven, Organized, Reliable, Compassionate, Understanding, Loving... and Really Amazingly Beautiful! Just about everyone has cellulite and less than perky breasts and stretch marks... they also have amazing birthing tales, and travels that would make lots of people’s hair curl... they have skills in their hands that would astound many, they can multitask as busy moms and still take the time out of their own dramas to show compassion and solidarity.

They hug, they laugh, they cry, they speak with honesty, they have all made the most beautiful children... they make me happy to be their friend.

There was a time not too long ago when cellulite was referred to as dimples and it was a bonus to have it. Stretch marks are a sign of a healthy woman who has had children and lived to tell the tale. Scars are signs that people have endured painful things and have healed and continued on with their lives... A beautiful life is a journey filled with trials and tribulations and ultimately opportunities to be a better self... aging gracefully doesn’t mean flawlessly, it means with courage and wisdom.

Just so you know, when I see your dimples I think about how beautiful you are...

Step...

out of the cage, into the water, over obstacles.

The $40 teddy bear...

2011-04-21T09:53:00.000-07:00

There is a forum called craftster... probably you have heard of it. I hadn't heard of it until I saw that a whole lot of traffic was going to my bigcartel shop from a discussion that was going on there... the issue was that I have teddy bears listed for $150 in my shop. The woman who started the thread was aghast and took a very negative stance on the subject. I stepped in and wrote a description of how much work actually goes in to the making of the bears... no convincing her. I did however receive many personal messages from fellow artisans defending my pricing as well as my explanation of why... it has come up again however. A boutique that I admire informed me that their customers expect to buy a teddy bear for $40... the same price that the craftster critic seemed to feel that bears should sell for... SERIOUSLY.

How does one make a bear for $40.... keep in mind that it would be $20 wholesale. That is less the cost of my materials... and that would make the labour free. So I would have to pay for the privilege of making a bear... hmm. Instead of doing my skilled trade I would have to go and get a 'regular' job in order to pay for the materials in order to continue making bears...

I see that there are several 'natural' toys being made in fair trade co-ops in developing countries... I have a few issues with this... firstly, the labour cost is ridiculously low in relation to the wholesale price... it's not rocket science to see who profits from this set up. Secondly, fair trade to who exactly... the artisans in the country that these toys are imported to can't compete with this kind of pricing... I can not do a days work for $5... in fact I can't take care of my family on less than $20/hr. Thirdly, making things is a skill. I have post secondary training in my trade as well as over twenty years of professional practice. My workmanship is meticulous and I stand behind my work. Any other tradesperson would be billing around $100/hr at this point in their career... which would make the bears $450 wholesale...

now's the time to pick up a deal on some toys.... before I up my prices to reflect true market value...
;-)

Other People....

2011-03-20T09:11:00.000-07:00

Spring.... It’s a beautiful morning, blue sky, birds singing, my kids are busy playing bumper buttons (which entails making as much noise as possible with a pencil crayon and a button... you’d be amazed!)

So I’m up... with a giant mug of tea and some thoughts for the new season...The winter has been amazing, I spent a fair amount of time embracing my hand made lifestyle, a lot of which entailed hand made snow banks... but most of the snow has melted out of the yard and my driveway is not quite the horrendous mud bog that it was a week ago. The gown a month project has taken on a life of it’s own... and I have met some talented lovely people through the process and I’m really excited for the next six months. I have lots of work on the go and some of it is even going to help me pay my rent and buy groceries...

Probably you have figured this out already... but I am one of those people who needs a constant challenge (some might say drama, and for most of my life that has been the case...) and spring is an excellent time to start fresh and breathe new life into things...

Here’s my thought for this new season that was ushered in with a huge full moon.... it’s time to work on my ‘other people’ list... we all have this list... but mine has got sort of turned into background noise and it’s time to clear it out. You know the list... the one that says “other people have loving relationships”, “other people are beautiful”, “other people are successful and have enough”, “other people are able to pursue their creative dreams”.... etc...

Well guess what... we are all other people. Frankly, I don’t really think other people have it any more sorted than I do... but still this whispering soundtrack plays on in the background and some times it even booms out and drowns out the little voice saying “I am worthy.”

Wishing you and myself a joyous, creative, love filled Spring!

xoL

30 % off wigs, gowns, bears...

2011-03-12T09:34:00.000-08:00

Enter the code 'FBLOVE' at the checkout and get 30% off everything in the shop until the end of the winter... March 20th.

jayne.@bigcartel

My workroom is bursting at the seams... actually my entire house is, and my brain is bursting with ideas for spring but I need way more room to work so pick up a boyfriend bear or a frock for a really good deal and help me find the cutting table ;)

xoLara

It's not the same...

2011-03-07T10:48:00.000-08:00

Saturday was an access visit, and so it’s been a somewhat stressful weekend. At the same time things are always brought to the surface and an opportunity for release and growth happens. I picked up a very angry and sensitive oldest daughter from a positive and fun playdate on Sunday. It wasn’t the outing or anything that had happened... I had a feeling what the issue was and after an evening of bad attitude from her she finally broke down and told me what was going on. She is the only kid in her class that doesn’t live with her father. I’m not sure if that’s entirely accurate but she feels like that’s the situation. This is not to be read as her wanting to live with her father. She doesn’t. This is about her feeling sad and lonely because she doesn’t have a dad that takes care of her. Support payments are being made, visits and phone calls happen... but the reality is that the person that does these things is not the person that she knew as a small child. The man who taught her how to garden and cook is gone. He’s not been around for a long time... he was replaced by a man filled with fear and delusions.

I understand her mourning... I had a long and satisfying relationship with an amazing man. An astoundingly talented chef, a charming and loving partner, my best friend. I haven’t seen that man for over 6 years. I meet lots of new and amazing people all of the time and I am deliriously happy with my life. I love my children, I love my work, I love my friends and family, I love my freedom. It’s really the tiniest pinprick of a hole that is left in my heart... but it is very hard to fill.

I have a friend who is heartbroken. He was dumped by his partner and when she left she took her two children with her. I see this person filled with mistrust and sadness... and I realize how important it is to take new people for who they are. We are all individuals. One single mom with two daughters is not like the next. One man is not like the next. I am grateful for this friendship as it has already taught me many things. Firstly, that there are men who will love someone else’s children like their own. Secondly, everyone has heartbreak in their past. Thirdly, it’s really important to be grounded in the present, to let go of the past and to set aside worries for the future. To see people and situations for what they really are, not what we would like them to be.

Open...

your heart, your mind, a window.

Assuming it's even important...

2011-02-25T18:50:00.000-08:00

Assumptions are harder to quit than heroin... I wrote this at the top of a journal page and then realized that this was the dependency that the I Ching was advising me to give up. I had been struggling with what it meant for days... I don't have any addictions, unless you count silk... but I've not chosen silk over groceries since I had kids so that wasn't it...

But assumptions... well that's a whole other challenge. They come in all sorts of guises, positive and negative. Assuming tonality with written communications ie. fb and texts... Assuming how other people interpret the things I say and do... Assuming that I'm not 'something' enough... Assuming that others aren't 'something' enough... Assumptions... they fill my day.

Granted plenty of assumptions are correct, and you could call them intuition or wisdom... the tricky part is to differentiate between these different situations... usually that comes with hindsight.

What really matters is what I do with those assumptions... do they inspire me, empower me, invoke my compassion, offer an opportunity for growth... or maybe they just need to be released as I continue on my path.

Make tea not war...

2011-02-06T20:37:00.000-08:00

It has been a whirlwind of activity in my studio and house and for the last few weeks... sewing, typing, phoning, sewing, typing, phoning.... phew!

The photo shoot was brilliant and I am so thrilled with the results. Louis, the photographer, has raised the bar, with the help of the talented Avrell Fox, who did hair and makeup, and stepped up to do the styling when we found ourselves without the original stylist half way through the day. Nicole, the model, was professional and gorgeous, what more could I ask for :)

So I found myself with two afternoons for myself this weekend. Saturday was gorgeous and sunny, and even managed to warm up to 20c... I went for a walk, and was treated to a nature hike along the lakeshore with a friend, who made me a lovely cuppa before I went home. Anyone who can make a decent cup of tea is pretty much golden in my books... it doesn't hurt if I hear amazing guitar playing emanating from their house the following afternoon while I am out for a walk for the SECOND day in a row (what luxury!) It was snowy and blowy... I went home with rosy cheeks and snowy lashes and a big smile...

So tomorrow is the start of making corsets and the March frock and much typing and phoning and sewing... but I am rejuvenated and rested and ready to tackle it!

Wishing everyone a productive week ahead ❤

Drink...

tea, your fill, it all in.

small town frocks get a little bit bigger...

2011-01-28T08:45:00.000-08:00

Ssshhh.... don't tell anyone (by which I mean tell all and invite your friends) I've been moonlighting over on wordpress with a new project. It started out small and like all things on the internet it has exploded over night so I thought I should give you all the scoop before it gets completely out of hand...

As you are all aware I've spent the last six months getting back in to the world of dressmaking... it has been a somewhat challenging process... and in fact I did set myself a challenge. One gown a month for a year. Which seemed daunting at the beginning, and the first gown in October wasn't even a gown but was actually a skirt and a corset... which led to my confidence in cutting into a much loved Italian woven silk sari and that was the day that I returned to my profession...

So very quietly and with the help of some amazing friends old and new, we did a little photo shoot in a lovingly restored historical church in an even more amazing little hamlet nearby... Well, it was so much fun and came out so much better than any of us expected... we were hooked. And we're at it again... this Sunday will see the images for the December, January, and February gowns created and recorded. We've added some new talent to the roster, and the seasoned pros (or so we are now feeling) are all really excited to continue our good work and raise the bar for ourselves and the local fashion community...

In the meantime, I have managed to badger and cajole and charm some really stellar people in to helping me launch a new site to serve as a meeting place for the local fashionistas to peruse and contribute and generally show off how much talent truly does dwell in this small town and all the small towns surrounding Kootenay Lake. One of my oldest and most tolerant friends (whom I lovingly refer to as 'the general') is editing the content and spreading the good word and basically doing whatever fabulous thing needs to be done... she works in mysterious ways and you will be amazed at the end results I assure you. To make things fair I get the loving nickname 'the sniper'... it's ok we've been through hell and back in our friendship so it's all good...

The talented and lovely Andrea from ffft

So come on over and check it out...

I look forward to your support and enthusiasm and fabulousness.

xo Lara

ps. I will still be appearing here in my usual sporadic fashion, cause I do still make toys and pass harsh judgements on stuff I don't approve of... lol.

Bachelor Bears from jayne.

2011-01-11T17:32:00.000-08:00

"Your task is not to seek for love,
but merely to seek and find
all the barriers within yourself
that you have built against it." ~ Rumi

I resolve to not give the new year too much thought...

2010-12-30T08:34:00.000-08:00

There are a couple things I vowed to never do on NYE...

~get drunk. I started this when I was 22 and at work on New Year's Day with zero sleep and still coming down off some stellar Serbian E and too many bottles (not a typo! yipes.) of bubbly. Leaving the previous year was all kinds of fun, starting the new one... not so much. Picture a VERY smoke filled Italian coffee bar with a line up out the door of hungover coffee deprived stallions who were only up in the am because they weren't keeping anyone company at home...

~make resolutions. The reality is I could pick up a list from fifteen years ago and the same damn stuff would be on it. They don't work. Which I find reassuring because I'm highly suspicious of people who can actually write a list for things to do for a whole year and then check it all off on the end... impressive for sure, but I've yet to have a year I could predict...

however.... Rules are meant to be broken, except the drunk one... I still gag slightly just thinking about it *shudder*

So in order to make this resolution thing work I'm going to do it in reverse... here's some things that I resolved in 2010... let's start with a classic...

~well, I didn't lose any weight... although I don't own an actual scale I can say without a doubt that I fit my pants the same way I did this time last year. I did however take up yoga in August and have managed to do it more days than not. I'm also making peace with being referred to as 'robust'. I'm pretty sure it wasn't really a compliment, but I like the definition anyway...

robust |rōˈbəst; ˈrōˌbəst|adjective ( -buster, -bustest)(of a person, animal, or plant) strong and healthy; vigorous : the Caplans are a robust, healthy lot.• (of an object) sturdy in construction : a robust metal cabinet.• (of a process or system, esp. an economic one) able to withstand or overcome adverse conditions : California's robust
~I didn't make copious amounts of money and buy my own house... I did however make a couple of gowns and organize a photo shoot and manage to get my brain back around the fact that I have this amazing talent that will provide for my daughters and I and that I will be able to stop renting at some point in my life... I also fell in love with a house that reminded me of something that was on a list from a long time ago...

~I have not magically cured myself of all the trauma that I've been through... I did go through an extremely stressful trial where I received a LOT of help in keeping my daughters and my self safe. I learned to ask for and accept that help. I did keep my sanity and my dignity. I did experience a huge sense of relief and freedom from the outcome of that trial. I give myself a giant gold star for that.
~I did not have any blue eyed musicians fall madly in love with me... I did manage to make a total ass of myself and still crawl out from behind my giant brick wall of barriers to go out and about in the world and meet new people. I am also way more at peace with my celibacy and my hermit like nature... it's who I am at the moment (and possibly for another year or more) so why not enjoy it... although I suspect the pants still fitting the same is directly related to a lack of sexercise ;-)
Thank you for an amazing year filled with supportive comments and good thoughts... I appreciate every single one and I hope that you know that I send them right back at ya!
Happy New Year! All the best for 2011!
Much love and light,
Lara

Faerie Blissmas!

2010-12-24T10:57:00.000-08:00

Wishing you all warm coziness, and much abundance!

Enjoy this season of feasting and merriment and bringing in the light... see you in the new year.

Love and Hugs,

Lara

Happy Solstice.

2010-12-21T05:02:00.000-08:00

ok... let's see if I can remember all the things zooming through my brain while I was battling being awake, and now that I've accepted it and gotten up it has oddly all fallen right out... sigh.

Well, it's been a trying month... and I finally hit the melting point two days ago... so tired, so exhausted, so sick of being broke, so not into christmas, so not into people taking out all their crap on everyone else... I'm blaming it on a full moon lunar eclipse... but the reality is that single parenting is HARD work. Parenting is challenging, earning a living is challenging, being the end of the line for all requests and decisions is draining... listening to people take out their petty jealousies on me when the reality is that none want to actually trade places and the only reason they have time for this is because they aren't running around like a headless chicken 24/7... but I digress...

So when you finally run out of steam and collapse in a puddle and accept that you've got nothing left... you also hit a point where you realize that the sun still shines, you're children are still safe and happy and healthy and the weight of the world does not actually rest on your shoulders...

You drop your kids off for a crafternoon with your most awesome friend, go and do a whirlwind of shopping (on time and on budget *pat self on back*) and then go and have yoga positions realigned and learn a couple of new ones to practice and lay like a corpse for a deliciously long time... eat dinner with good people... buck up and realize you actually kick ass and find a way to make peace with insomnia... Voila!

And now for the middle of the night epiphany... I am now in the market for one of those giant balls to replace my chair while I'm sewing, I spend a lot of time bent over my work and it wears on my back. It also occurred to me while I was staring at the ceiling that I also have difficulty opening up my chest and heart because I am still in the mode of protecting it. I embrace my children and my work and take comfort in that stance. I tend to be more introverted... I don't like to discuss a lot of the stuff that I've been through and only do so when I feel it may help someone else to realize that stereotypes that are formed around abused women and children are very rarely true... fresh perspective and all that.

In the last couple of weeks I have been working on changing the position I hold myself when I sew... open the heart and sew from there. It takes constant reminding... old habits are hard to break. It's a new season... the time for stratification... the buds on the trees are holding their energy and waiting for spring... time to gather energy and ideas and prepare for the season to change to spring.

Happy Solstice,

May the light return to your days and fill your heart.

Lara xo

We had a dog named Snowshoe.

2010-12-18T17:54:00.000-08:00

So I've paced about the house for the last hour or so... contemplating whether to write this or not, and how much to write about it... ugh. So in an effort to do something with my guilt and hostility... here it goes. This is nowhere near holiday cheering so consider yourself forewarned...

Today was a visit day. At the end of the visit the hex went and got his dog to show the girls. This is a dog that was a puppy on the mountain with us. This is the dog that was my favoured one. This is the dog that I could not get out from under the cabin after we had left the mountain. I couldn't get him on the leash and into the carrier despite hours of trying while my two year old was cold, hungry, and crying and the hex's parents were sitting in their truck watching me crumble with sorrow with their faces set in stone. This is the dog that was brutalized by the hex and helped me have the realization that all the abuse the dogs had suffered and the poisoning (six died) was done by him and not some 'others'. This is the dog the SPCA allowed him to have after dropping their charges against him. This is the dog that cowered and shook on the sidewalk outside of the library today... My daughters are heartbroken. I am fighting down urges to do unmentionable atrocities to a certain individual. I can hold my temper. I can not hold my grief and guilt. I am trying to save sobbing uncontrollably for after they go to bed... two more hours.

We had a dog named Snowshoe... I wish we still did.

There is a connection between pet abuse and domestic abuse. Get more info. here.

Here's another link for information on domestic abuse and seeking help. I went to a women's shelter with my children. I spent ten weeks in transition before finding my own house. It was a positive and empowering experience.

Wanna shovel my slush?

2010-12-12T11:39:00.000-08:00

So it snowed again over night and then started to rain and slush this morning... so I've had some extra core exercise... and I've had a thought or two...

Atalanta and Hippomenes by Guido Reni c. 1612

{I love the strategic sash placement...}

There are a couple of ancient myths where women are given the task of finding a husband... the trouble is that they aren't particularly keen on the task and so they set a challenge that is seemingly impossible in hopes that they can maintain the status of being their own mistress...

"After Atalanta participated in the hunt and received the pelt, her father claimed her as his offspring and wanted her to get married. Although a very beautiful maiden, Atalanta did not particularly want to marry after an oracle told her that she will gain bad luck if she marries. In order to get her a husband, her father made a deal with Atalanta that she would marry anybody who could beat her in a foot race. Atalanta happily agreed, as she could run extremely fast.

She outran many suitors. The one that finally became her husband accomplished this through brains, not speed. Hippomenes (also known as Melanion) knew that he could not win a fair race with Atalanta, so he prayed to Aphrodite for help. The goddess gave him three golden apples (sometimes the fruit was quince instead) and told him to drop them one at a time to distract Atalanta. Sure enough, she quit running long enough to retrieve each golden apple. It took all three apples and all of his speed, but Hippomenes finally succeeded, winning the race and Atalanta's hand. Unfortunately, Hippomenes forgot to thank the Goddess and she turned them into lions."

A lion wouldn't be so bad... but I digress...

So here's the thought I had while I was shovelling tonnes of slush... I'm not built for running, but I think the snow novelty has worn off enough that I would be willing to wed the first man who shovelled my driveway for me...

A bon homme would do nicely... especially if he lets me borrow his sash...

Enjoy the snow... whether it's up close or through the window while drinking a cosmic cocoa... mmmm...

more snow=more rambling

2010-12-01T15:03:00.000-08:00

Well it snowed another four inches... so I spent the morning thinking about all the things that people mistake for stupid. Such as...

~ beauty... biggest myth ever that people can not be good looking and intelligent, granted it's true in some situations but by no means a rule.

~ age... young or old's got nothing to do with it.

~ gender... is it women or men who are supposed to be smarter? I forget.

~ kindness... people aren't suckers, people are kind and accepting.

~ race... and or geographic location (and the accent that location produces) people on the west coast aren't stupid... just laid back...

So if you're thinking someone is stupid... perhaps it's time to think about what sort of bigotry you're harbouring and let it go...

Hopefully, the snow will give my brain a break already... an hour and a half spent in my own head while I become a snow removal robot is potentially going to lead to my finding a bigger soap box...

Well I'm off to make some 'cosmic' cocoa and embrace my own stupidity ( people who are drunk are prone to behaving stupidly...) Cheers!

It's none of your business what I think of you...

2010-11-30T21:36:00.000-08:00

What a crazy week and weekend it was... I can't figure out what the theme is, but something was brewing. It is snowing like mad at the moment and has been for a few days... so I've had some time doing mindful shovelling to form a strong opinion... shocking I know. So long story short... here's what I've decided...

One person's beauty does not take away from anyone else's. There seems to be this misguided notion that there can only be one beautiful woman in a room at a time... well, not with the gorgeous chicks I hang out with... but it seems that maybe some people are unaware of how beautiful they really are.

ok... maybe this needs some background... I've been on the receiving end of more than a few snide comments this last couple of weeks... my favourites being...

"I found this sweater that is short and wide and thought you'd like it..." I kid you not.

"oh you're back, well we better not leave you alone with the men... " Equally awesome I know.

Keeping in mind that the men in question were married and perfect gentlemen, a couple of my fave peeps actually, helping me restore faith in the gender and all that... so both of the speakers of these uplifting sentiments are suffering from some serious self esteem issues... which in no way justifies rudeness as far as I'm concerned.

I think it's time that women sort out some of their baggage and pack lighter for the trip ahead... which is what I'm trying to do by venting my frustration in this very public manner... mature I know. But what I am hoping is that we can all step back and think about what it is we are saying when we comment on how other people look. The harsh judgements that we hold in regards to our bodies, because ultimately these comments were not about how I look, but rather about how these other women see themselves.

On the flip side of this... my lovely friend Julie quoted some yogi unknown to me and said simply...

"It's none of my business what other people think of me."

Bit of brilliance that. So I'll be out shovelling the snow for the rest of the winter and trying to mind my own business... and find some new love for MY body.

Anyway

2010-11-29T12:13:00.000-08:00

People are often unreasonable,

illogical, and self centered;

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse

you of selfish ulterior motives;

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win

some false friends and true enemies;

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank,

people may cheat you;

Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building

someone could destroy overnight;

Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness,

they may be jealous;

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people

will often forget tomorrow;

Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have,

and it may never be enough;

Give the world the best

you have anyway.

You see, in the final analysis,

it is between you and God;

It is never between you and

them anyway.

~Mother Theresa

24 months = 2 years of freedom.

2010-11-24T22:19:00.000-08:00

I'm not entirely sure where to begin this post... in my mind I've been working on this for a couple of weeks.

It's two years of freedom for me and my daughters on Nov. 25. Twenty four months of freedom, feels like a short amount of time and a long amount of time. Lots has changed for all of us. I almost don't recall some of the situation we left, and I go days and sometimes weeks without even thinking about it.

I had a plan to list 24 people that I was feeling gratitude for on this journey, but that's not really enough of a head count... and then I was going to attribute 24 specific reasons for my gratitude, but that seemed to overlap... so instead I'm going to attempt to narrow it down to 24 amazing human attributes that I have been shown. Hopefully this will make sense and manage to convey the intensity of how thankful I am to all the people and animals that have been on this journey with us...

1) Love. I could make a list a mile long of all the love that I have been shown. Instead I will share this... during the last week on the mountain when we were no longer able to talk freely my oldest daughter and I had a code... three squeezes of our hands meant I. love. you. I squeezed her hand a lot.

2) Courage. I had a lot of help to muster my courage. Thank you Marsha and Alice and many, many others.

3) Loyalty. We had a dog named George. He sat on the bed with us for two days, he saved our lives.

4) Honesty. This one's for you Andrea... thank you.

5) Faith. No one can ever change my belief in faeries. I asked, and they helped.

6) Chivalry. I have an amazing lawyer. He has helped me from the day I showed up in court two weeks off the mountain with two little girls and a crazy tale...

7) Cheerfulness. To the women at the Grand Forks Transition House who picked up three grubby, exhausted, and traumatized lost souls and tucked us into clean warm beds, fed us, made tea, passed tissues, and reminded us that we are people.

8) Understanding. To the equally amazing women at the Nelson Transition House.

9) Stamina. To my grandparents who hiked a mountain once a month for three years, and especially my grandmother who in her 80's ran the last hundred feet to hug us.

10) Helpful. Everyone I have encountered in the last two years has helped to restore my faith in humanity.

11) Dedication. The court system can work.

12) Hope. I found safety and security... others will too.

13) Reliable. To my aunt and uncle, who always ask if I need anything and then thank me... no really, thank you.

14) Fun. I'll give you a hint... she currently has red hair and really good taste in music... oh and she paints pretty darn good too ;)

15) Beautiful. We all are... and it's not skin deep.

16) Talent. ditto.

17) Vulnerability. I have amazing friends who are so open and accepting of me. Old and new, I love you all.

18) Supportive. I have a friend I haven't seen in person for over ten years, but still manages to stand by me through all sorts of communication trials... she sent me a card once that said something to the effect of... 'just because I haven't seen you doesn't mean I don't think about you every day' ... right back at you Pauline.

19) Kind. This is where the bar is set for any men in my future... simple but high. I also happen to know it's possible...

20) Accepting. To my neighbour who has accepted and offered lots of pots of tea, cheers Mel.

21) Nurturing. To yoga Julie, thank you for helping me learn to heal and grow stronger, you have a gift.

22) Generous. Thanks for letting me have the last chocolate bar today Jen ;) and your friendship.

23) Strength. To Sue who always listens and understands what I'm saying and has some brilliant insight to offer.

24) Friendly. I might just live in the best neighbourhood...

This is in no way a complete list... and I was reluctant to name names because for sure I have not included lots that will wake me up in the wee hours... but the point is simply this.

My daughters and I are safe and free... and for that I am eternally grateful.

Did you vote no?

2010-11-21T05:35:00.000-08:00

I'm up with insomnia again... ugh. Actually I've been up for a couple of hours, but I can finally sort my brain and hopefully be articulate...

Yesterday was a 'visit' day. Every second saturday my daughters have to go to a court ordered access visit with their father. It's one hour and it's supervised. I also go because they won't go without me. I find it pretty brutal. More often than not he shows up sporting new clothes, and don't even get me started on the gaudy jewelry (not sure what's prompted the giant ring wearing, and frankly I don't really want to know...). In the summer the visits were at the playground, but now that it's winter the location has changed to the library... which is the real point of this ramble...

Recently there was a referendum in regards to funding the local library. There are several rural areas that access the main center and they had to decide if they were willing to pay for the library through their property taxes. ($20/annum was the average). It passed in all of the areas except the one that we live in. This area has two elementary schools which no longer have those library benefits.

On a more personal note... my daughters love the library. They are not keen on the visits to say the least (much complaining of headaches and bellyaches), but they got through it last winter with the perk of taking books home at the end of it all... well, yesterday was different. My oldest had picked out some books during the 'visit' and was all set to go... I had to tell her no. I also was unable to explain in the moment because to do so would have given an indication as to where we currently live. She had a miserable afternoon, and refused to eat lunch... when we finally got home and I had a chance to explain why I said no and why I wasn't able to explain in the moment she understood but was still disappointed.

$120 for one year. That's how much the family library card is going to cost me. I didn't have it yesterday. I had to kit out my youngest for the snow... suit and boots.

So thanks a lot to the six households that decided my daughters should go without free access to the library.

It takes a village...

a willing one.

A local micro brew, a gorgeous crowd, big love.

2010-11-17T15:58:00.000-08:00

I can't even express how AMAZING this band is live... if you have a chance to see them... GO!

Oh so inspirational... especially live and in an amazing little bar in our small town... I love this town. It's a favoured stop over for bands touring across Canada. Often Nelson isn't listed on their tour dates, they are just here and loved. The audience is always great, people love to dance and share the joy...

ps. we loved having you. Please come back and play for us again.

some Small Town DJs love from the small town frocks...

2010-11-13T09:14:00.000-08:00

doesn't hurt that the animation is clever...

some more indie love...

2010-11-13T09:09:00.000-08:00

Global underground

Otter Books

Secret Garden Toys

Local Retail Love...

2010-11-12T10:43:00.000-08:00

There's a campaign on facebook that has gotten me thinking...

I spent a year running a small shop in a really small town about five years ago... and it was a grind and a half. I loved lots of things about the experience, and I did learn that I really don't want to work 60+ hours a week and then go home and do the books...

So I have great admiration for anyone who makes this commitment and keeps it going... so here's some local love... keep in mind that this short list in no way covers all of the amazing independent retailers that are keeping shop in Nelson, BC.

Lilikoi

Craft Connection

Still Eagle

So where are you putting your money this gift buying season?

It's not you... it's me. No, seriously. It is me.

2010-11-11T07:22:00.000-08:00

Is there a prize for being socially inept... as a matter of fact there is, and it's all kinds of chocolate deliciousness.. mmm.... ok, what was I going to say...

Right... so the theme today seems to be break-ups... I bolted awake long before dawn with my brain composing a post on how I am still a really long way from being able to engage in lots of social situations... in particular the ones that concern large groups of people I don't know... and those involving any adorable men... sigh.

Then I received a text from my lovely overseas friend... and that turned into an amazing phone call... and without getting into a long song and dance about that... suffice it to say that it all comes down to the break-ups... the toxic friend that needs to be dropped, the love that is no longer, the job that isn't satisfying, etc...

I have always been terrible at break-ups... let's not even go there on the last one (hostage taking on a remote mtn... ugh.) My personal favourite was the one where the guy burst into tears and ran away while shouting back something about being 24 and never having a girlfriend... in a busy coffee bar which needless to say I never frequented again... eeps. I have avoided break-ups. I have stayed with things too long (jobs, men, uncomfortable bras...) I have spent very little time thinking about the end of things... no, I have just rushed right on into everything without a smidge of thought as to how to get out... well, that was before. Now the pendulum has swung the other way and I can't get into anything because I am so freaked out about how I'll get out...

It's a conundrum... my impulsive nature has been bound and gagged... no small task as I charged full on into everything that came my way for the first three decades of my life. Recently, I have been drawn to men who are completely uninterested (don't have to break up with them) and am completely withdrawn from those who show any interest (don't have to end anything that never starts)... I have some faith that in time it will sort itself out but I also have my doubts... there are lots of days where I just feel fucked up and withdrawn.

I love people. I really do. I love how adaptable, creative, curious and beautiful we all are... but I find meeting new people really difficult... I still feel the rift. I don't like to talk about my time on the mountain but it inevitably comes up. People are curious but my feelings are so mixed. There were so many amazing things that happened for me while I was out in the bush. I birthed a child. I found my voice. I learned to sew on a treadle and forage and garden and wait for creative solutions. I also coped with a mentally ill person who held me against my will for three years. I worry about being judged for all of these things... even though my experience has shown me how really loving and open people are. I am also really uncomfortable being in the centre of attention, I don't like to be that odd person that I actually am. In two weeks it will be the two year anniversary of my freedom. I have come a long way... and I have a long way to go.

I woke up way too early with a case of insomnia so forgive this rambling purge...

Break...

bad habits, a few eggs, dance.

fresh off the treadle...

2010-11-08T14:48:00.000-08:00

Dream Owls

$24 can

Made from reLoved wool suiting and sweaters

Stuffed with natural wool and organic lavender

I love lavender... a lot.

I buy the oil in bulk... 500 ml at a time, several times a year. It gets added to the laundry, the bath, and is used for just about every first aid situation... burns, cuts, tantrums, exhaustion...

"Lavender is the perfect balance between the masculine and feminine traits that are within us all, and that all grande dames exhibit boldly. Lavender is completely mothering in its personality - electric, formidable, yet gentle and kind, and the perfect embodiment of Mother Earth. Embracing Lavender is direct, pure of thought, brave, and humble. It makes men gentle, and women strong."

The Fragrant Mind by Valerie Ann Worwood

During both of my pregnancies I would practically snort the stuff... it made me feel completely grounded and loved. It was one of the few plants that thrived in the garden I tended on the mountain... no small task at 5,000 ft. and only dust on top of bedrock to grow in. The lavender in these dream owls was grown locally and made its way to me through a network of amazing friends. Enjoy!

The November Frock...

2010-11-06T18:35:00.000-07:00

Corset Bodice is made from a reLoved wool blazer and the skirt is a sari woven in Italy using Indian silk.

The dress is lined with crimson satin and has a built in crinoline.

Size 12 (pinned to fit the model)

$1800 CAN

Photography by Louis Bockner from

Eye of the Mind Photography

Styling and general fabulousness by Andrea Bell

Hair and Makeup by the talented Avrell Fox

Model is the lovely Tara Banks

A huge thank you and big smooches to all the amazing small town talent...

only the town is small.

I really love this quote...

2010-11-05T19:49:00.000-07:00

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” - Marianne Williamson

Accepted behaviour is condoned behaviour... and frankly I think it's time to expect more.

2010-10-17T21:20:00.000-07:00

"Expectation leads to disappointment" This has been a thought that I've carried with me for a long time... and I would like to officially declare it a total load of crap. Expectation has almost always led to my being amazed at the capability that people have to exceed my expectations... kindness, generosity, talent, beauty, mindfulness, creativity, adaptability...

I would like to put forward the thought that a lack of expectation leads to disappointment. No or low expectation is the same as believing that people are incapable of rising above their circumstances. Accepting behaviour or work that is sub par is basically the same as telling that person that they aren't capable of better. It's degrading and demoralizing.

That said I do get a certain smug satisfaction out of blowing people's expectations out of the water... I love to render people speechless... it doesn't happen very often but when it does it is oh so satisfying.

This topic covers so many issues for me... being a single mom... being an artist... being a gen. x'er... being a 'farmer' of a certain medicinal plant... I have been in the low expectation category a lot through my adult life. It has been pretty easy to leap over many of those bars... it has been difficult not to be insulted by how low they were set. The bar has also been a barrier for a lot of things... how many ways do I not qualify for a mortgage... let's not even count them. I have encountered people who are astounded that I know anything beyond co-ordinating colours (I do have a degree in Fashion Design after all...) never mind my having formed an opinion on the state of the world, or my efforts to not be a hypocrite in light of those opinions.

Well people... it's time to pull up our socks.

Expect people to treat you with respect.
Expect people to be kind to others.
Expect people to mind their manners and keep their gossip to themselves.
Expect people to treat others how they would like to be treated.
Expect people to do their best.
Expect people to accept you for who you truly are.

It's the Golden Rule for a reason.

fresh off the treadle sewing machine...

2010-10-13T18:51:00.000-07:00

Here's a peek at the latest small town frocks work...

Taking orders on corsets and wigs... email: studio@threeowls.ca

Rum Tum Tiddle Tum...

2010-09-13T21:37:00.000-07:00

whoa... it's been nine days since the last post... how on earth did that zooooommmmm by... too much time mulling over the latest thoughts...

so as I've been working away on corsets and the like... the topic of tummies has entered my brain... and in particular how much bigger mine is then it used to be and how my body looks so different from how it used to... not that I don't miss some elements of having that youthful figure and how in retrospect I should have worn some of those things that i didn't have the confidence for at the time... or maybe I wish I could have given myself the gift of that confidence... anyway I digress...

Rueben's figures...

It's hard not to return to these images... these corpulent bodies that have been painted with so much love and attention... this hangs in a museum in Glasgow... oil on wood.

The Rokeby Venus

Possibly my most favourite painting ever...

I was originally looking for images of ancient goddesses to illustrate that they all have full bellies and have obviously had children... this is what was worshipped... fertile women. Then my brain became clouded with thoughts of 'The Handmaid's Tale' by Margaret Atwood... and only now I'm realizing why I haven't attempted this topic yet... lots to think about...

" pot bellies are sexy..."

2010-09-04T09:22:00.000-07:00

for the life of me I can't figure out how I put the facebook button on here for the toys... so I've not been able to get the 'small town frocks' button done... apparently sewing on the treadle has reactivated my luddite brain...

so let's try this for now...

click on the link to 'like' and get the frocking updates... ;-)

small town frocks

'cause I need another project... or twelve.

2010-09-04T07:27:00.000-07:00

Well sewing a gown in a small mountain town in the interior of BC is no small task...

Aside from putting two holes in the tips of two of my fingers yesterday morning the sewing part is pretty straightforward... buying supplies on the other hand is not without it's challenges. There is one fabric store and it mainly caters to quilters. Usually I order everything in wholesale, but sometimes you need something NOW. So I ventured into the sewing shop with three things on my list... boning, cording, lining. Basic stuff. Well... I bought up the town's supply of boning; all 5m of it, I made a compromise on the cording and was grateful to have anything to work with by the time I left, and found some perfectly contrasting red lining which was a gift as there was no neutrals to be had...

What's a girl to do? I asked myself...

What would Scarlett do?

I've set myself up with a challenge... a gown a month. Which means finding the materials for a gown every month. I have friends scouring the town for draperies and I've ordered in a box of boning...

let the fun begin!

Every path has led to here...

2010-08-29T09:08:00.000-07:00

So I took most of August off and sat at the beach and tried to get my head around my current state of freedom...

and I think I've made some progress :-)

On that note... I have started a new project. A monthly frock.

My background is in bridal and costuming. I originally apprenticed in a custom bridal studio while I was working on my Fashion Design Degree. I went on to work in costuming in the movies and also the adult entertainment industry. I returned to bridal when I tired of dealing with perverts and zippers... lol... and then I was living in the forest...

vintage House of Harlot (ps... you need to check out the wasps in the history tab... brilliant!)

As I slowly assimilate back into the modern world and realize how much personal freedom I actually have now that I'm single again... like a moth to a flame I can't help but being drawn back to my first love of silk gowns and hand detailing... sigh.

I still need to have a successful trip to the local sewing shop for the essentials: boning, cording, lining... but the fabric has already been chosen and cut... a silk sari that I thought had been 'lost' to me, and a reloved tweed jacket in the most lovely shade of grey...

The gown will be ready to photograph by the end of this week... so with much help and crossing of fingers a brilliant shoot will be arranged... and then it will be time to work on the next one... LOVE.

You don't know until you try...

of course that's the philosophy that's led me to here so take any advice I may offer with a cow lick of salt... that said it's quite possible I am having way more fun than I should... ;-)

bla bla bla...

2010-08-28T20:33:00.000-07:00

Regrets... I've had a few. It's likely that the things I have regrets for aren't what most people would expect. I don't regret living out in the forest... or taking so long to leave. I have made the best decisions I could in difficult situations and time has shown me that I have been wise.

However, I am notorious for sticking my foot in my mouth... and more often than not... both. I have said some unbelievably shallow and petty things at various points in my life... some of them were intentional and a lot were just off the cuff and didn't give me pause or cause for regret until much later when my ego finally realized what a huge ass it had made of me.

I have been described as... outspoken, difficult, brutal... and probably a whole bunch of things I don't know about...

For sure I am honest. If I like something I will praise it to the moon, if I don't like something I don't keep it a secret. I aim for politeness and compassion... often I miss.

Recently my 'honesty' has put me in an embarrassed state... I said some things that were pushy and not fitting with the situation that was actually going on... my ego saw and heard what it wanted and it took me weeks (yep, weeks) to realize that I was having a different experience than the other person involved... and it reminded me of situations where I had been on the receiving side of unwelcome attention and I was mortified... I offered a lame and late apology. OI.

~I am only slightly less embarrassed than this... and somehow this makes me happy ;)

So this is my public purge in hopes that I will feel less awkward in interacting with this person in the future... although at this point it would be a relief if the other person wasn't avoiding me like the plague... understandable, but sad.

So before all you sweeties try to make me feel better... let me say that it's all good. I am grateful for the opportunity to have a little rant and this is not indicative of my overall mood. I am working away on a couple of new projects that involves much silk and loveliness and when I'm done feeling sorry for my self I'll let you in on it... I also need to do some photos... tee hee!

Realize...

your own potential.

2010-08-14T12:00:00.000-07:00

petit grevance...

Blissful Ignorance... also known as selective understanding...

2010-08-03T18:07:00.000-07:00

Alright I’m going to admit it once and for all... and believe me it’s with great trepidation but here it goes...

I am a hopeful romantic...

No, that’s not a typo, I’m not hopeless... I’m full on hopeful... I will pour my blood, sweat and tears into a (ad)venture once I start. Long after others have bailed and cut their losses I’m still looking at things thru my rose coloured glasses and trying to figure out where I went wrong and what I can do to fix it.

Perhaps this isn’t a surprise for those who watched me toil in a really dysfunctional relationship out in the middle of the bush... but it’s only occurred to me recently that I have a highly romanticized view of the world, how else would I have kept going in such adverse conditions (speaking to the time before I *wanted* to leave but couldn’t...) I went into that situation with really high ideals, and I held on to them until the bitter end. Thinking about it now, I would still be living that life if it had been with a man who was kind. The hard work and the adversity were not the trouble, but having someone trying to trash my self esteem and convince me that the world was a horrible place were more than my romantic heart could bear...

I lived the first two summers in a wall tent out in the bush, the cabin was built and I moved out full time when my oldest daughter was only 4 months old. I built a garden and learned to cook on a woodstove... I accepted things that came my way with an open heart and hoped without fear or doubt for things to turn out as amazing as they were in my mind... and ultimately they have. I have two beautiful daughters... I live in a paradise and am surrounded by amazing people that I love. Not the image that was in my head ten years ago... in fact it’s better; albeit completely different!

Love conquers All

Being hopeful helps me follow through on plans that I make, and it makes me joyful to wake up bright and early every morning {not because I’m a keener, but to tend to the girls ;-)} It does however have some drawbacks... I often realize way too late that things are not how they first appeared, and I have trouble letting things go, it’s more likely that I will try harder and sacrifice more... hmm. That’s not been the best policy so far.

So how does one tone down the pink on these glasses... I don’t want it to disappear, but perhaps it could be less sparkly... a bit less distracting and a bit more grounded.

One of the things that I’m practicing with yoga is spreading my toes... sounds a bit odd, but it’s been really hard for me to do... keep my feet on the ground and accept things for how they really are and let things go that are meeting with resistance... it’s not referred to as practice for nothing...lol.

Stand...

still, your ground, on solid footing.

when the wild thing wakens... thoughts on celibacy.

2010-07-25T06:29:00.000-07:00

Not sure how to segue into the topic of celibacy.... so perhaps I'll just jump right in... consider yourself warned...

The hex ‘ended’ our relationship in November of 2005... I wasn’t able to leave, many threats were made and some were carried out on his behalf... a month later I realized that I was pregnant... he spent the next eight months belittling me and demanding a paternity test. In the final month of my pregnancy after pretty much sobbing uncontrollably for the previous eight months I told him to go fuck himself ... I have been celibate for 4.5 years. It has been a gift... I have been able to focus on other things... my children, my business, my health, my spirituality... There are two schools of thought on the power of sex... one says that it drains your energy and should be avoided in certain situations where you are required to perform ie... warriors, athletes, etc... the other says that it creates energy and should be used to increase and focus your power ie...warriors, athletes, etc... I think it depends on the situation... there is a place for either scenario to manifest itself... I have tried to use my celibacy to gather and enhance my power... which is really easy to say but the reality is that I didn't choose it willingly and would have happily ditched it at the first opportunity and now that I am in a place where I don't need it I find that I'm not so quick to give it up... the conundrum that is being a human being.

I used it for self preservation, and i’m so grateful that i was able to maintain that considering the person that was holding me hostage... there was the potential for abuse. My sanctity was only violated once, the night before he went to the police... it wasn’t violent, but it was a situation where i had to choose whether it was wiser to defend my celibacy or choose the path of least resistance... I did not resist. I started to bleed two days later, and I thank the good faeries and my body wisdom for cleansing me. I was ovulating at the time, and most likely would have carried a third child...

So I hold my body in high regard, it has done some amazing things for me; birthed two beautiful daughters, spared me a third child in a dangerous situation, climbed mountains, hauled water, chopped wood, crafted exquisite gowns, danced to the wee hours, hauled sewing machines and luggage onto planes, trains, and ferries, changed tires, dug dirt, and hugged so many beautiful people...

I have started to practice yoga... it’s an easy fit with my personal philosophies and need for physical expression. I have had two amazing one on one sessions with a truly beautiful and compassionate instructor who uses her intuitive nature and healing instinct to create this most amazing experience where I have felt both physically exhausted and rejuvenated all at the same time, and had the most profound sense of relaxation... not quite sex, but it goes nicely with a cup of tea and a cookie...

I’m also hoping this is more effective than cold showers as I head into the half of my moon cycle where fertility takes a seat in front with an enormous hat on and blocks the view of the rest of the show... seriously, down in front.

Indulge...

heartily, in things that make you truly happy, and share.

2010-07-12T22:33:00.000-07:00

Earlier in the day while chatting with my oddly profound neighbour (one of many) it was brought to my attention that I am guarded; furthermore it is time to stop being so guarded... sigh. I thought I was. But then I suppose it’s relative.

That said, I am working on assimilating back into main stream life... tricky since I never really fit into the mainstream, but my version of that I guess. In my thoughts yesterday it occurred to me that I spent eight years with one man in a really isolated environment... think about this... I had daily conversations with one guy for eight years (well it wasn’t actually the whole eight years because he stopped conversing with me for the last three years)... just one guy. No women, no other men.

My amazing grandmother would make the trek once a month to make sure we were ok and to give me some money for groceries, she would tuck it in my pocket or slip it in my hand. Once or possibly twice a year the hex’s clan would be around for a couple of weeks. No comment.

So needless to say I am way out of practice on the girl talk, and really any talk that doesn’t revolve around life on top of a mountain... I can tell you how to mount and connect solar panels... I can tell you how to install a water pump... I have lots of thoughts on firewood and snow clearing and putting in new garden beds... I also know a ridiculous amount about changing tires and starting a generator... ugh. Needless to say, I have read a lot of books and spent copious amounts of time sorting out my spiritual beliefs... all things that I am grateful for but pretty hard to work into conversation at the coffee shop...

I am trying my best... good grief I am sharing all the bizarre inner workings of my brain with people I have never laid bare eyes on... and feeling comfortable with that, and not needing to be so guarded in my delivery... and being ultimately inspired by the honesty and forthrightness of so many other bloggers.

Today I have had a few realizations...

I have amazing friends both male and female (and I have not been giving credit to the males... apologies. This may be in part to my taking it for granted the guy convos, where as I fall all over myself with gratitude to chat with a woman about shoes or some other sparkly thing that doesn’t exist on a mountain top.)
I will take guarded over barricaded any day.
I am who I am... you can call it whatever you like, I have led this life so far of my own choosing... and yep it’s been pretty messed up, it’s also been amazing, stimulating, beautiful and crazy fun.
I really miss being fit. Mountain Fit.

Make no apologies for being your own self. Embrace all the oddness and quirkiness that you have, because ultimately it’s what makes you interesting and provocative and challenging for the rest of us... and without challenges there is no growth.

If only everyone would just do what I told them to do...

2010-07-07T06:33:00.000-07:00

Ok... this is not a news flash for anyone who has known me for more than ten minutes... I am a control freak. It makes me good at my job, and keeps my house clean... but it is a royal pain in my ass, and everyone else’s as well....

It has occurred to me in the last couple of days that I really need to confront this issue head on (this sort of proves my point ;-))... I have been distracted and flighty, which is the opposite of under control and it is starting to impact my productivity which of course makes me uptight...

So in an effort to sort it out and stop being a nutbar... here’s my thoughts. Partly it’s genetic, my grandmother keeps a tidy and orderly house (makes mine look like a war zone). Secondly, at the moment I have to overcompensate on the aggressive side of my nature when dealing with the hex. This person doesn’t take a mile when you give an inch... he just takes a mile and expects another ten. I have spent way too much time trying to establish a safe place for me and my daughters to be for the last 8 years. It is still ongoing, even though I have final orders and the courts are in agreement and supporting my stance in the situation still he tries to create drama and frustration... no respect... for the law, for his children, for me. It gets my hackles up and it is revisited every second week when I have to take myself and the girls to the supervised access even though none of us actually want to be there... it feels like a violation.

I remind myself daily that it’s all good. Amazing neighbourhood, neighbours, friends and family, nice cottage, lots of amazing food to eat, a beautiful lake, fresh air, autonomy over my home and family... and then I get an email from the lawyers with some new bullshit petty grievance that this asshole comes up with in his hours of spare time that I then have to respond to and deal with in my complete lack of time... gggggrrrrrrrrrrrrr!! Makes me want to mop the floor and colour code the bookshelf... and in the big picture there are worse things... snorting coke off cowboys, or getting drunk at the local and roaring around instead of buying groceries, or a combination of the two... but still not being the light hearted and creative person I actually am. sigh.

So... apologies to everyone who gets swept and/or dusted in my presence and also a big thank you to all my friends who keep being my friend even though I’m neurotic and self centered... I aspire to be a good friend in return.

If anyone wants me I’ll be at the beach... probably sewing or some other busy-ness... but I’m there, and I am enjoying myself, I just find work relaxing... lol.

Speak...

up, truthfully, in turn.

Finding Food in the Forest... mushrooms... yum!

2010-07-02T20:52:00.000-07:00

It's been a rainy sort of summer so far in the Kootenays... but that means good things if you are out in the woods looking for yummy things to eat...

When hunting and picking wild mushrooms it is really important to have a good field guide. I prefer to reference a couple of different sources when trying anything new in the wild. With mushrooms I find it especially useful to have one guide with photographs and another with illustrations... there is a vast array in the wild with any one kind, colours can be slightly different as can the size... and ultimately the wrong choice can be fatal before you can get out of the forest and into the hospital. Use caution and learn to identify all the plants that you see so that you know the poisonous as well as the edible.

Everything is poison, everything is medicine.

One of the best things that I learned to do so that I could identify mushrooms more accurately was to do spore prints. This is sometimes the only way to be sure you have not mistaken the poisonous for the edible; as they will leave different coloured spore prints. All good mushroom guides will explain how to do this and will also list the spore information in the write ups.

Meanwhile... this is one of my very favourite bands... they are Canadian and they are brilliant!

For some amazing online information and help with identifying go to Rogers Mushrooms. This is a brilliant site that has lots of information as well as great photos.

So keeping in mind that these are photos that I took... and I have in fact eaten these particular mushrooms and lived to tell you the tale :) Happy Hunting.

This is a type of boletes. Leccinum aurantiacum I have always referred to this as the aspen boletes as they used to grow in a huge grove of aspens on the mountain and were always the last mushrooms to harvest in July. Always big and delicious, they also dry well and are great in pasta in the winter.

These are also delicious sauteed with garlic and onion and herbs. Serve with dandelion leaves and toast.

As you can see in this photo, these mushrooms do not have gills but instead have tubes and spores and it feels sort of spongy. Although the majority of boletes are edible there are several that are poisonous... usually they stain blue when cut, but some of the edibles will stain blue as well so be sure to reference a good guide.

This is also a member of the boletes family. I am unsure of it's latin name. These are best eaten fresh as they do not dry well. They are lovely sauteed in butter and garlic. Delicious on toast!

So with all this rainy weather it is looking to be a good year for mushrooms. Go out and look around, you never know what you are going to find.

Stop and smell the roses...

2010-06-30T07:25:00.000-07:00

Last week while I was feeling all crampy and antisocial, the neighbourhood lovelies were heading out for rose bud picking... they were nice enough to let me come along and sit on the sidelines self medicating and taking pictures... hard life I know.

How cute is this one... notice the matching finger nail polish... so what's in the basket?

Let me clarify that she was suffering from an intense tooth ache... at least that's the story she's sticking too...

and yes all the children in the Kootenays own at least one tie dyed item of clothing...

I didn't get as many picked as the others... see above* but I did manage to string a few of them up... how sweet are those?

Pick...

your battles, flowers (responsibly), up sticks.

Long thoughts on a long day...

2010-06-21T19:30:00.000-07:00

I woke up with the sun this morning, and not in a drink tea and do yoga and embrace the earth mother sort of way, more like... fuck what time is it... why am I up? How do I go back to sleep, why did I forget to get milk for my coffee again sort of way...ugh.

I’ve spent days and days trying to write a post on balance... don’t ask me why... I don’t know, but I’ve been completely compelled to do this and despite all sorts of other available topics, such as the strawberry social at the Ashram, which was lovely as always, or developments in the garden, or swimming in the lake, which is a dang refreshing experience at this time of the year...

So the thing that’s tricky about balance is that we never actually achieve it beyond a fleeting moment. The beauty lies in its constant potential... for every moment that we are out of balance we hold the possibility of achieving it... as we swing from one extreme to another there is always the seed of something else germinating and preparing to take us back the other way...

My goal is not to stop swinging but to have less distance between my two extremes... hover around the center and feel grounded. Open up to those points in the middle instead of searching the horizon to see how far I can go. Get over myself and my tremendous ego. I want this so much, my ego is filled with fear... not completely unreasonable considering the last five years... but it is time to let that go, but it fights me at every opportunity... weird things that I don’t think should be still hanging around, didn’t I give them the boot already... sigh.

My ego is also impatient... mostly with myself, I am much more accommodating of other people’s eccentricities than my own, which is odd cause I’ve spend so much more time with mine.

So it’s a long day and I have lots of time to practice patience with myself... I might even squeeze in a swim and some work in the garden... and maybe let some of my fear go.

Happy Solstice!

May you be as the sun at midday and cast no shadows.

We have been featured....

2010-06-12T08:30:00.000-07:00

Tara from Canadian Natural Mama has done another beautifully written review... and it's all about the Three Owls Tipis.... looks like I'm blushing today too :-)

The three owls are off to enjoy the sunshine today...

Have a great weekend...

Actually, I am happy to see you...

2010-06-09T15:48:00.000-07:00

So I had a funny experience this morning which has gotten me to thinking... and the funny thing was that I blushed. I know, pretty darn trivial and when my good friend called me to see what the FB update I posted was all about I was sort of at a loss to explain it... but I've had some time to think about it and here's what I've concluded... I haven't blushed in at least five years... sounds crazy I know, and it's possible I have the dates wrong, but I don't think so. So needless to say I was completely shocked by my own body this morning... what, what are you doing?? stop that right now?? omg... how embarrassing!

Well, I've changed my mind, and I am thrilled, I can blush. Seems sort of a silly thing to celebrate, but let's think about what I've been doing for the last five years... and frankly I am so happy to be overflowing with creativity and joy that I've turned into an artesian well of rosy cheeks... bring on the blush!

Bring on the eye candy and flirtatious remarks... bring on the faux pas' and stupid remarks... bring on the misunderstandings and physical comedy...

*blush*

Tell me what makes you blush.....

I've had a nap... and some chocolate... and all is well.

2010-06-06T23:40:00.000-07:00

Well.... I'm back. Although, technically I didn't actually go anywhere. I have been very pre-occupied with family matters, and then I was just REALLY tired. So I am happy to report that I am feeling more myself than I have in a really long time...

It's about to be Monday morning here and the beginning of the last week of lessons for home learning, and it's quite possible that I am more excited by this prospect than my daughter. It has been a busy year, and I am looking forward to a few months of total immersion in my own projects and some selfish time.

We are currently raising butterflies... we released one today and the other five cocoons haven't hatched yet. They are called painted lady's... and they are so beautiful. It has been very interesting to watch them grow from wee caterpillars and then to see them emerge as gorgeous butterflies and then follow them on their path through the garden.

A couple of weeks ago, while dealing with some monumental stress... I took the girls for a hike. We rode the ferry to the East shore of Kootenay lake, and then my oldest daughter rode her bike while I pushed the mostly napping little one in the stroller to the lighthouse. It was 4.5km each way, and quite hilly... but we persevered and arrived at this amazing view point.

On the return trip we saw a lizard going across the road, which for this area is very unusual and made all that slow effort completely worthwhile. We would not have seen him if we had been driving in a vehicle. It also made my double scoop ice cream cone completely guilt free. Okay, I don't actually experience any guilt while eating delicious things... and my brilliant friend Pauline has an entire healthy eating theory based on things being round... works for me.

I am trying to acquire a loom... don't ask me why, I have no really legit reason... but it's apparently quite a piece of furniture and was salvaged from an old house that a friend was working on... So I have been trying to see this loom, I have only heard that it is fabulous; and often my version of fabulous is not the same as others... so I took my 'solitary' stroll today in that direction and was most let down to have the door unanswered when I got there... sigh.

I am going to mention that it was raining, and I really wanted a cup of tea... just sayin'.

On a final note... I would like to say how grateful I am for all the support I have been receiving from friends old and new. Thank you.

Embrace...

your freedom, your creativity, your loved ones.

even more condensed version of the decision

2010-06-04T13:06:00.000-07:00

All is well. I keep my restraining order and sole custody, and the access stays the same and is still supervised. What a huge relief. I am off to have a nap...

The Extreme Condensed Version of the Custody Trial...

2010-05-29T06:52:00.000-07:00

Well the trial is over, the decision is coming next Friday. I am feeling strong and secure. My lawyer is a complete legal genius... he played me completely yesterday and pretty much left the whole courtroom in tears. And today he played the hex and left the courtroom with mouths hanging open, and the question of his mental stability completely answered.

His story is that he didn’t escape from the moving ambulance in the middle of nowhere on the way to the psychiatric ward, but was dropped off by a payphone downtown so he could phone for legal counsel and then he hitchhiked back to GF, but couldn’t get a ride and so spent the night in the bush... and just happened to be carrying his camo face paint, because he was using it recently in his martial arts training... you know, just like normal people do... he left the witness box smiling. Then his father took the stand and very slowly and guardedly backed up most of my testimony and hung his son out to dry while attempting to cover his own ass as well as his son’s...

Yes... he did escape out of a moving ambulance in the middle of nowhere. And yes I did live with a ninja on top of a mountain. And yes it was REALLY FUCKING SCARY.

I have two amazing daughters. I stand behind all of my decisions.

It’s my moon time, I am ice and puddle all at the same time.

Work in the garden...

2010-05-18T20:40:00.000-07:00

Well there has finally been a break in the gorgeous sunny weather and it is starting to be wet and rainy and smell oh so lovely and green... and pink, and purple, and orange...

I love the rain... when I lived in the city it was my favourite time to go for walks because you could have the sidewalk to yourself and then the treat of popping in to a warm and delicious bakery for something snuggly for the tummy...

So in my wee yard I am expanding my growing space and have decided to try straw bale beds. I ordered in some local bales that were delivered the other day and I wrangled them into place and have been watering them for the last 4 days and I think after todays rain they will be ready to plant... I have some tomatoes that I started many weeks ago and they are ready for larger accommodations...

I ordered ten bales and have used six for the raised bed and spread two others out as mulch for two ground beds and a couple of flower rows and the rest is to layer in the compost... I had to move the compost which is in one of those black plastic deals but I had not put enough carbon (brown) stuff in and the nitrogen (green) stuff was rotting and disgusting... so I moved all several hundred pounds of it and layered it with straw and started over in the black barrel. In the process I got disgustingly filthy and hosed myself off with the garden hose and then jumped in the shower and threw my clothes in the wash... about ten minutes later I realized that my phone which had been in my pocket was in the washer... aaahhhhhh!!! So amazingly after several days of drying it... it works. It pays to buy cheap stuff sometimes :)

So I have made a bed in front of my patio that is about 4' x 8' and that is where I have put in the Three Sisters... I mulched heavily with the straw and have been keeping it moist so that the seeds have a chance to sprout.... it's a bit of an experiment, I don't know if the corn can pollinate with such a small amount and if there is enough medium for the roots in the straw but it was easy to do and I'm all for easy and experimenting, and even if I don't get to eat any corn the stalks will make a nice privacy screen.

Drawing the line...

2010-05-07T06:34:00.000-07:00

I have been mulling this over for a few days... the topic has come up in several conversations with different people in the last week and so I feel this is perhaps going on all over...

Personal Space. I need lots. I am keenly aware of this, however, I usually fall down at the part where you establish and then maintain those boundaries... building up resentment until I finally explode all over the place. Which works for establishing a bigger boundary in many ways... but in retrospect there was an earlier time for handling it in a more calm and mature manner.

As a person of artistic temperament and also one who works from home... it can be hard to draw a line. I don't need the same amount of hermit time from week to week which can be hard for less fluctuating people to understand. And I'm sure lots of you readers are of a similar nature and are understanding of your friends who are like minded... but what to do about the rest. I'm not talking about the fabulous people who pop in with their latest brilliant idea for either themselves or you, I'm talking about the people who interrupt your flow to complain and gossip...

When I was working on the mountain I had about ten square feet to work in... that might even be an exaggeration. The main reason I started toys was due to a lack of space, the only thing I could cut on my wee table was either knickers or toys... I didn't foresee being able to market lingerie which is seasonal and a whole other head space I wasn't in at the time... so toys it was. On any given day there could have been TEN dogs in the cabin with me and my daughters (another story) so I kept everything in rubbermaids... religiously. Nothing was left out for more than a minute. I was very determined to make the little bit of space I had carved out for myself work. And it did work. I managed to selvage several rubbermaids of fabric and even some toys on my trip to reclaim my things. Needless to say... I have some personal space issues... and in the bigger picture I have had a lot of trouble maintaining my boundaries.

I am working on giving myself permission to take up WAY MORE SPACE. Fill it up. Speak up. Make more room not make do... spread out, branch out, grow.

There is room for all of us and all our crazy and wonderful ideas... thanks to everyone for sharing theirs!

Fresh Perspective...

2010-05-05T13:57:00.000-07:00

These photos were in with some of my recovered belongings...

This is a 15' tipi that I made and birthed my youngest daughter in. The picture was taken from my garden in the main camp. I chose to create my own safe and sacred space to birth in.

In my last post I took a photo from the highway to show where the cabin was located. This picture is taken from the cabin looking west towards the highway which you can see at the bottom of the valley. The nearest people lived in the valley... many kilometres away through the bush.

Same view... different season. The snowed-in season~ November to May.

I am feeling very grateful to be sharing these with you from my safe and warm home.

Home Again...

2010-05-04T22:35:00.000-07:00

So it has been a whirlwind of activity around here...

I'm not even sure where to begin and where it will end up...

I went and picked up my personal belongings. They have been stored in old shed for the last year and a half. It was a very emotional trip and also a whirlwind of driving... three hours each way. I had thought that I had moved on from my attachment to these things, they are only objects after all... but it was still sort of a raw place to go.

~that little white dot at the top of the hill is the roof of the cabin...

When the girls and I left the mountain, it was a very tense and dangerous situation so I took only my shoulder bag so as not to look like we were actually leaving... I grabbed my ID and a couple favourite toys and our toothbrushes... a week later I had an opportunity to go back up to the cabin, but the hex's parents had already been through and taken anything of sentimental value, I was only able to grab my personal papers that had been sitting in an obscure drawer... I helped pack up some of the books that were left and my old treadle sewing machine but those things were taken to their house in town.

~my old route...

21 km. from the nearest town, then turn off the highway onto the gravel road...

1km further along and you come to this turn off...

follow this old railroad grade off to the right

4.5 km later you would be at the bottom of the 'driveway'

switchback up the old logging road for over a km...

walking in the winter ( Nov-May)

and you would arrive on the doorstep.

Well, I have them back. My daughters have their books and I have my sewing machines and a nice stash of fabric... lots of things seem to be gone for good. But I am filled with gratitude to have my 1910 Singer. This sewing machine is what I started my toy business with and it's a workhorse...

a bit of oil and it's running again like it never sat in a shed for 18 months. I feel like my business was being held hostage, although I have made great steps forward and am growing all the time...

it is a relief to know that my good companion through some of the most challenging times I've had is now safe and warm with us.

If you go for a walk in the woods today...

2010-04-29T17:26:00.000-07:00

The girls found morels and asparagus in the wayside of our yard today... so it's time to make pasta with a most delicious cream sauce...

It also inspired a forest trek, where we didn't find any more edible mushrooms, but did happen upon some other edibles and meaningful things...

Daisy greens are one of my favourites, they make a nice bite when out for a walk and are lovely in salad for dinner. Later on in the season the flowers make a most delicious wine, and the petals are a nice addition to pasta salads...

These are the flowers for twin berries which will be a nice path side thirst quencher in the summer...

This beautiful and somewhat elusive orchid is the flower that my youngest daughter is named after. Calypso. The name comes from greek mythology, and is the name of Atlas' daughter that he hid on the isle of Ogygia. The name Calypso means hidden, as is this flower in the forest.

Saturday is a good day for pancakes... so is Sunday... or Monday

2010-04-24T08:49:00.000-07:00

Chunky Monkey Pancakes

1 mushed banana
1/2 c. yoghurt (you can use milk but sub. the soda for 2 tsp. baking powder)
2 T. oil
1 egg
1 c. flour ( I use organic whole wheat )
1/2 tsp. baking soda
2 T. honey
1/2 tsp. salt
a big handful of chocolate chips :)

Mix all ingredients in a bowl, stirring just enough to dampen the flour. I usually coat the bottom of the pan with some oil while I'm adding it to the bowl and then it's ready to go. Spoon onto a moderate pre heated pan. It's better to be on the cool side with the pan otherwise the outside can burn and the inside isn't cooked yet. Flip over when bubbles begin to form on the top. Turn and brown the other side.

Realized when I started these this am... that I'm out of choc. chips... so I added a couple tablespoons of cocoa to the mix and put in a handful of sesame seeds and rolled oats. Yum!

Topped with syrup made from great grandma's canned cherries and plums.

This recipe is easily doubled which I often do because they make great snacks throughout the day.

If you're feeding a mess of people... triple it :)

One little, Two little, Three little Tipis...

2010-04-21T22:24:00.000-07:00

This is one of two photos that I have from the mountain.

It is also my favourite... this is a tipi that I made for Arastraea when

she turned 5, her sister Calypso is 8 months in this picture.

I made this little 4' tipi from left over canvas that I dyed with melted snow

and then painted with fabric paints. They loved it!

The canvas was left over from the 15' tipi that I made for Calypso's birth. I had her unassisted out in the bush in the middle of a moonless night in August. It was challenging. The birth was a test of my stamina and my inner faith and beliefs. It was the most empowering thing I have ever done. I was very fit both physically and spiritually and I left the birthing bed a stronger and wiser woman. It was a gift in so many ways...

This tipi is at the beach at my grandparent's orchard. I made it while I was living on the mountain, and it was put up last summer. It is 18' and made from 10 oz. cotton canvas. It's pretty darn fabulous and makes such a great cabana...

I originally made a tipi for a customer who requested one... and at the time I was running a custom bridal boutique in a very small town so I was asked to do all sorts of sewing, so my thought at the time was "It's just a big dress... so sure, why not..." I found some instructions from an online search which turned up this vintage article from Mother Earth News. So this is what I used to figure it out... the first one took a long time... this article is a great read, lots of sweet anecdotal comments and historical insight.

Here are some whimsical new tipis that I'm working on.

Made from 5oz. cotton canvas and dyed in all sorts
of mouth watering colours...

Tipi envy is breaking out all over the neighbourhood...

So it turns out that making tipis is not so out of the ordinary... apparently it's genetic. It was also the domain of women, they were responsible for erecting and transporting them as they migrated across the plains...

Follow...

your heart, your instinct, the path that chose you.

Blossoms, Buds, and Blue Skies...

2010-04-19T20:09:00.000-07:00

Some signs of Spring and warm weather to come.

My grandparents are truly blessed to live on this amazing historic orchard

that sits on a property that runs from the shore

and up a mile into the forest on the mountain...

It is my sanctuary and the place that keeps me connected to my childhood

and looking forward to a long and healthy life...

A birch tree covered in blossoms like tassels.

Not all flowers are obvious but are still truly beautiful.

Scilla

Primulas

Cherries that have gone wild and are soon to be blossoming.

My grandmother calls this a Christmas Rose but some call it an Easter Rose.

I would love to know the latin name...

also known as Hellebore.

2010-04-16T21:52:00.001-07:00

Door in Fira, originally uploaded by Boots in the Oven.

A well used door that inspires growth and new possibilities... time to step inside and look around...

2010-04-16T21:49:00.000-07:00

ok... so thanks to Tara over at Scoutie Girl I have been thinking about doors... so I headed over to flickr to look up doors... wow! And so in true internet fashion I started off on one thought and have headed off in a whole new direction...

I was trying to think about door kicking down... something that I'm very in favour of... The single mom successful artist door is starting to splinter and another good swift one should send it into ruin... meanwhile, I am taking the opportunity to think about how many doors there are in this world and what is behind each one... all these amazing people and stories. This is my favourite part of the internet~ the chance to peek behind a few doors and see who's there and if they would care to have tea...

I have a neighbour... a fabulously talented neighbour who also happens to be a truly kind and compassionate person... who can see my door from her kitchen, and will head over to girlworld (my house) if the door is open and she needs a break from boyland (her house). I love my door... everytime I open it I let in all sorts of wonderful things... packages from afar, friends from across the way, smiling faces and sweet children...

You don't have to kick my door down... just come in and have a cuppa tea. I'm really happy to see you and have a chat ❤

Knock...

loudly, on wood, first.

2010-04-16T21:47:00.001-07:00

Red Door, originally uploaded by pcapemax.

A lamp to light the way... I wonder what's on the other side?

All good things...

2010-04-12T22:45:00.000-07:00

Well, I have just had a fresh perspective... but this is going to be a bit heavy but it does have a really happy ending so bear with me...

"You can't overthrow me so you are just waiting..."

"Yes... I am"

This is pretty much the last 'conversation' I had with the hex before leaving the mountain... we got out three days later...

So just to sort of explain the situation briefly and without getting to emotional... life had been really scary weird for about two weeks (he has since been diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia). There was about two inches of snow on the ground and he had stopped sleeping and had the keys to the vehicle, the cell phones were out of time and you had to hike up the bush several hundred feet to use them... it was a seven kilometre hike out to the highway on abandoned logging and rail road grades... I had a six year old and a two year old... not going to happen.

So on this beautiful sunny afternoon at 5000 ft. above sea level with nothing but sky above me and a highway in the valley below with cars that look like ants... I prayed. I am not a religious person, the closest thing I have to a belief system is taoism... which is sort of the opposite of religion, but at that moment in time I just opened my arms and let the universe know that I was willing to accept any ride out of there... anything, just get my daughters out safe.

The next day he went to the police and made a false complaint against me... I prayed that he wasn't lying when he bragged about it on returning... he wasn't. Long story short... here I am with my two girls and we are safe and healthy and happy.

So while sitting here and typing in my journal it occurs to me that I have been waiting for the payment to come due on our safe escape... and it further occurs to me that at any given moment I am given the choice to open up to the generosity of the world I live in and express my gratitude for all my blessings... that's the payment.

I will pay it happily for the rest of my days.

Thank you.

A life does not belong to the one who brings it harm...

2010-04-09T16:34:00.000-07:00

It's almost like I'm on a roll here with three posts in the last week...
So I came across this most fantastic tale today that I just have to share... keep in mind this is my version of a retold story...

The Swan

Prince Nikolas saw the wild swans one day, flying white as clouds over the garden. His cousin took out his bow and let an arrow fly. One swan fell.

Both youths ran, and the prince was the first to reach the swan. She was still alive. He held her in his arms and pulled the arrow from her side.

"Give the swan to me," his cousin said. "She is mine, I am the one who shot her with an arrow."

Nikolas gave the arrow back and said, "Let us seek the advice of the wise."

The palace elders weighed the question carefully. Then the oldest of them spoke. "A life does not belong to the one who brings it harm." All agreed.

The swan remained in the care of Prince Nikolas. And when her wound was healed, the people rejoiced to see her fly again.

Seeing the trees through the forest...

2010-04-07T21:50:00.000-07:00

So this started off (before I deleted it...) as an attempt to explain how I came to be living on top of a mountain... but it's hard to tell that story. So I'm working my way up to it... meanwhile there are so many things that I can say about living in the forest that are positive and amazing.

I'm slightly embarrassed to admit that when I first went to the mountain in the spring of 2000 I could not tell the trees apart. They were all green and tall. I would look and look at them, but I couldn't figure it out... then I was told about the silhouettes one day, and I looked out onto this sea of green and I could see that the tops of the trees were different, amazing. Larch, Cedar, Pine, Fir, Aspen, Cottonwood... it was all starting to come into focus... I started to collect plant books, the kind that identify them and explain the medicinal and traditional uses.... FASCINATING!

Skip forward about four years, and there I am with a hungry toddler and an empty pantry... and a very full bookshelf, and it occurs to me that a lot of the plants have food names... Desert Parsley, Miner's Lettuce, Biscuit root... so I read those descriptions again, and I see that they were eaten by First Nations... so out we go... me and my precocious two year old who lives up to her Aries birth by being able to nimbly climb mountains... and let me tell you that I can make soup out of anything! We gathered, we dried, I tested mushrooms ( and lived to tell the tale) I learned how to take spore prints, I learned to identify everything that grew within a mile of my home.

I figured out what to buy for the pantry with only a couple hundred dollars for the month, and I learned to cook. This may sound pretty basic, but I learned to cook on a wood stove, and I mean one for heating that did have a flat top, but not a cook stove; not all gleaming and with an oven and hot water jacket. Keep in mind that the hex is a trained chef... so the bookshelf contained ALOT of cookbooks, including the professional training ones... I won't go in to the part of the story where he didn't do any cooking or dishes because this will turn bitter... so the advantage to not knowing how to cook is that you also don't know that you can't... so I read and I tried and I figured it out. I can make bread with my eyes closed, and I can tell you exactly how much rice you need to get through the winter. I can also tell you that you can make an oven by turning the canner upside down and using the jar rack to put the pan on... totally proving that necessity is the mother of all invention especially in a cookie crisis! Or maybe that a mother can invent whatever she needs to and you best just get out of her way...

So as we head into spring... the natural larder is coming into it's own...
Fireweed makes an excellent soup but is even better panfried in garlic butter, and morels are the first really delicious mushrooms to appear, but never eat anything wild unless you know for certain. At the higher elevations the Desert Parsley is the most amazing herb, and it dries so nicely, all four of the native varieties...

And whatever you do... do not kill dandelions! The entire plant is edible and delicious and packed full of good things. Eat the greens, make fritters from the flowers, pickle the buds, roast the root, sprout the seeds.

Eat...

local, in season, out of the garden.

This is a love story...

2010-04-04T21:49:00.000-07:00

It all began when I was very young... and like all loves is directly linked to scent... the smell of water, that sweet moist luxury that is water. In my family there is an expression "Once you have drank the water of the Fraser River you will always return..." keep in mind my family is from the headwaters where the river is still the colour of glaciers and forest and not that strange murky mud flow that heads into the ocean. I have not returned to the river but have instead returned to the lake. The second home of my childhood and the place responsible for my being miserable if I'm not surrounded by water and mountains. So today being the day where I can have a couple hours to walk all alone at the pace I like to keep... I went to the shore to see how far out the sandbar I could get while the levels are low. Unfortunately, others had beat me there with the help of their very loud dirt bikes... so I went the other way... away from the shore and to the headwaters of the creek that feeds the orchard... oh what heavenly bliss!

Recently there has been a lot of discussion from various friends in regards to my looking for a new love... all sorts of helpful suggestions and candidates...

It's Spring...

a good time to start new things and cultivate the seeds that were stratifying over the winter...

be grateful for the chance to begin again...

find a love that is true and brave and compassionate...

look closer.

Walk...

up a moutain, back down, home.

Chartreuse Tub Twins... could it be more divine ♥

2010-03-27T14:03:00.001-07:00

Clean Fun, originally uploaded by Tony Reynes.

Bathtubs that I have known and loved...

2010-03-27T14:00:00.000-07:00

You can be a cup of tea... while you sip one.... love it! Would love it even more in pagoda red....

While reading the latest edition of Mary Jane's Farm.... the highly romanticized version of my former extreme lifestyle... I came across a great article on outdoor bathing and was instantly transported back to those amazing moments of bliss that did happen on the mountain. At the very tip top of my list of amazing things that happened on the mountain (which is extensive despite the almost as long list of horrid things) is outdoor bathing. Until you have stepped into a steaming bath while the sun sets and stars come out, you have not had a proper bath. I rigged up several bathtubs and saunas during my nine summers out in the forest.

My favourite consisted of a lavender tub that was set into a stone surround with a fire pit underneath and short chimney to keep the smoke away from the bather. It was placed strategically in the center of the garden with views out to the valley and sunset... or soaking the other way to the creeping navy of night and ursa major...It was heaven.

Second place goes to a guerilla tub that was hauled out into the middle of the woods and was fed by an artisian well... I spent some very soggy afternoons waiting under a huge cedar in the middle of rainy season while the tub heated up.... worth every moment!

In the magazine is a clever propane version made with a claw foot tub. However easy and smoke free that version looks; I still love the wood fired way. I would also be reluctant to use a claw foot as the tubs I did use would have some minor puckering and warping of the paint and metal... however they were steel tubs from the 70s and not a cast iron from ages ago, so most likely those hold up better.

Every garden deserves a tub, and every gardener needs an outdoor bath at the end of a hard day weeding and harvesting. That said I think the beach at my grandparents orchard needs one the most... easily filled with lake water and set back from the shore but close to the tipi... you can send the cocktails down at sunset :)

love how this is tucked in to the bank... what a view!

2010-03-27T13:52:00.003-07:00

outdoor tub, originally uploaded by a Giant Girl.