Kiss my ____!

I have been practicing peaceful ways and releasing anger and hostility... embracing gratitude, looking for silver linings and letting myself be ruled by compassion and patience...

well... fuck it.

today anyway...

and you know what... it feels good to get right pissed off. Forget patience... never mind compassion... screw gratitude... I have expectations that are not getting met, and I'm sick and tired of airy fairy flakey bullshit.

yep. feels good.

I was in a right bitchy mood when I started my yoga practice this am, but I went ahead anyway. I laughed when the 'quiet time' and 'vacation' cards leapt out of the deck and on to the mat in front of me... no kidding... I'm an only parent. I'm on 24 freaking 7... needing a vacation is an understatement!

I lay in goddess seething with frustration... I huffed through the beginning sequence... and then in my first mountain pose of the day I felt my pulse in the tips of my fingertips and I broke in to a huge grin... damn it felt good to be alive. In that moment I realized that I had been holding back my anger for years. Taking the path of least resistance... accommodating... putting myself aside.

The hex spent years trying to break my spirit... any time I complained or voiced discontent he would turn the screws tighter... I learned to be like water... flowing around obstacles, filling in the empty spaces... but really I wasn't water... I was lava... hot, seething, angry.

Finally I understand the water energy... it's not about smoothing out the waves... it's about bubbling when you cross the stones... it's about spreading wide and flowing smooth when there is the time and space... it's about being in the moment and letting it pass through you...

Gratitude. For reaching a place where I feel safe. Safe enough to be angry. Safe enough to be disappointed. Safe enough to be me.

xoL